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Dear Dan
9.8.2002 by Dan, every Monday.

I can’t tell you the amount of times that people have come up to me, often by running through fast-moving traffic or by laying in the road when they see me coming, so that when I get out to see if they’re okay and, if not, if they have money, just so that they can ask me one question: What’s up with the run-on sentences? But I am also asked my advice on things, which is really funny considering that even the most casual observer would notice that virtually every aspect of my life is laughably pathetic. It’s like asking Mike Tyson for dating tips. But I dispense it anyway, because sometimes they follow my advice and I get to laugh at them.

All this is basically an awkwardly written and only partially relevant intro to today’s column, which is: Reader Mail!!

Dear Dan,

What is the preferred method of cooking and serving possum at a dinner party with 6 guests?

Mystified in Mississippi

Dear Mystified:

The preferred method of preparing possum in Mississippi is as follows: Drive over the possum in your pickup truck, and put the bigger chunks on your engine block and drive for six to eight miles. Serve hot, with a twist of lemon.

Dear Dan:

I’m a potted fern, and I was wondering if I could get a tax deduction for photosynthesis expenses.

Fern in Pot

Dear Potted:

Assuming you live in the United States, like most anthropomorphic house plants do, then I refer you to the Photosynthesis Tax Reform Act of 1977. It allows up to an 80% deduction on photosynthesis acts upon which you have a receipt. If you live in Canada, though, I would have to suggest you move. Canada’s cold, sunless wastelands are no place for a delicate fern.

Dear Dan:

I am the dictator of a small third-world country, and my wretched oppressed masses are currently staging a revolt. My question is, Where do you get your ideas?

Antonio Banderas

Dear Guy Who Is Most Likely Not Antonio Banderas:

That's a good question. Though in some of my columns I have made references to various forms of substance abuse, such as shotgunning Windex and snorting Nestle Quick Brand Chocolate Milk Mix, they are not my primary source of creative inspiration. This is largely due to the ease in which one can overdose, which leads directly to things like the episode of "Buffy" where everyone sings. My primary source of ideas is currently former Tangmonkey Columnist Zebulon, whom I keep imprisoned in a small cage under my house. He seems quite content as long as I keep the Mountain Dew and pornography flowing.

Dear Dan:

What is the meaning of life?

Toga-ed In Greece

Dear Bullsheeter:

There are many schools of thought on this concept, almost as many as there are people upon the Earth. Some of the more popular ideas are, Revenge, Killing Infidels, Prank Phone Calls, and Eating As Much Beef Jerky As You Possibly Can. My personal theory is that the meaning of life is basically whatever you choose for it to be, as long as you don't prevent anyone else from doing the same. Although I must say that the Beef Jerky Theory is pretty compelling...

Dear Dan:

What the (censored) is wrong with you?

Most Of The People Who Write To Me

Dear Everybody:

While I am mystified as to why so many of you would collaborate on a one-sentence letter, the answer is too much of both "7up" and "Monty Python's Flying Circus."

Anyone who wishes to submit a question to a future installment of "Ask Dan" is urged to reconsider.

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