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Chapter 18: Gilga-whoa!
7.17.2002 Edited by Ben, every Sunday.


Gilgamesh towered over Bjorn and Jesus. He was truly an awesome sight to behold, standing over twelve feet tall with rippling red hair and arms as large as Bjorn's waist. His body was clad in thick, gold coloured armour, and his head was adorned in the most beautiful silver helmet Bjorn had ever seen. He was an awesome sight, and he was quite obviously heading straight for Bjorn and Jesus. The look in his eye indicated that he was not friendly.

"Holy fucking shit!" blurted Jesus, "Goddamn shitty ass fuck cunt!"

"This is bad," said Bjorn as Gilgamesh began to approach the pair, "This is very bad."

Bjorn, having been a good student as a boy, instantly recalled some facts about Gilgamesh that he had learned in school. Gilgamesh was known in Babylonian culture as the most powerful person to have ever lived. He was said to be two-thirds god, with incredible superhuman abilities. He was known as the greatest king of all time, and his kingdom, Uruk, was the greatest city. In short, he was one bad dude. His massive size alone was enough to scare the bejeezus (no relation) out of Jesus and Bjorn.

Bjorn and Jesus backed up from the slow moving figure, but there were trapped against the large wall of the Ziggurat. Bjorn looked into the eyes of Gilgamesh and saw nothing. No hint of emotion or compassion, just a blank slate. Sweat began to gather in droplets on Bjorn's forehead - he knew he had to do something.

Thinking quickly, Bjorn grabbed a spear from one of the still-disoriented guards. He checked the wind with a hastily moistened finger, then thrust the spear at Gilgamesh with as much force as he could muster.

The spear, after having flown through the air for a small distance, struck the mighty two-thirds god man-giant directly in the face. To be more precise, it went right up his unprotected nostril and stuck with a thump.

Gilgamesh stopped, but did not fall. He looked at Bjorn with his deep, empty eyes and began to laugh. It was a deep maniacal cackle that made Darth Vader sound like a pre-pubescent boy. Bjorn shivered, and Jesus spouted off some more gratuitous swearing.

Gilgamesh grabbed onto the spear with one of his massive hands and, while still cackling, ripped the spear from its wound. It was at this point that things got very strange indeed.

As Gilgamesh removed the spear, it tore at his flesh, but spilled no blood. The entire centre of his face was ripped clean off, revealing a network of wires and spinning gears underneath. Gilgamesh, it turned out, was a robot, a mechanical giant whose might and power had everything to do with hydraulics as opposed to divinity.

Bjorn was dumbstruck, and said nothing. Jesus swore some more.

"You will be destroyed," said Gilgamesh, changing suddenly from menacing to surprisingly casual, "but first some exposition."

"You're probably wondering why I'm a robot. That's a pretty interesting question. Well, you see, I was created by Tood McNohart to help tighten his grip on this part of history. You see, Todd isn't your average run of the mill evil genius, he's an overachiever. Control of the present isn't sufficient, he wants to control all of history simultaneously. So, he created me as the embodiment of the classic Babylonian legend. I maintain control around here in his name, just as his other minions control other eras. Hercules now actually exists, thanks to Todd McNohart, as do many other fictional characters, like Hitler."

"That's very interesting, but why are telling us this? You really have no reason to divulge any of this to us," said Jesus, "What the fuck?"

"You will be destroyed soon enough, so what's the difference? Besides, I'm programmed to boast," answered Gilgmesh.

The world suddenly went dark. Bjorn and Jesus found themselves trapped in a large canvas sack, the victims of a surprise attack from behind.

"And now, thanks to my ally and romantic partner Enki and his incredible skills of putting bags over people heads, you Bjorn Lincoln are now in my clutches" said Gilgamesh.

The sound of stone scraping stone echoed about Bjorn as the side of the Ziggurat opened.

Just as they were being dragged inside, Bjorn and Jesus heard Gilgamesh speak words that sent goose bumps rippling across their skin:

"Let the tournament begin!"

by Neale McDavitt-Van Fleet.




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