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6.7.2002 by Martin, every Wednesday.


Atal Behari Vajpayee


“Welcome to the last day of class kids, this is the final lecture of 107-109A “How Not to Govern A Nuclear-armed Country of a Billion People”. Now let’s review what we’ve learned this year, anyone remember key points? Yes, you, the maniacal-looking kid in the front row, with the bushy eyebrows”

“How about:
-Start a nuclear arms race in an unstable and poor region where getting safe drinking water and transport are trouble enough
-Occupy a dubiously-acquired territory where a vast majority wants independence, then refuse them any sort of referendum on self-determination.
-When tensions rise between you and your nuclear rival, who suggests that Kashmiris should decide for themselves what they want to do, declare that you are going to “Write a new chapter in Victory!!” and send 700 000 troops to the border
-When given an opportunity to talk face-to-face with your enemy, dismiss it as “impossible”… Despite the fact that you’ll be in the same building at the same time for several days…
And you could also refuse international intervention for good measure”

“Good job, Vajpayee. A+”


Mario Dumont


He’s young, he’s fiscally conservative, and he’s willing to tackle the Big Issues with an open mind – Mario Dumont is the David to the PQ Goliath, who have been exercising their nauseating “leftie-separatist-with-a-hefty-side-dish-of-stupid” brand of government in La Belle Province for about the last decade, with the only alternative being the well-meaning but somewhat boring Liberals. Now, with Dumont’s ADQ in first place in the polls (out of nowhere a year ago), the Liberals in close second and the PQ in third, and an election coming in the next year, Things have the potential to get very interesting.


The CBC


For every year that I can remember, CBC has broadcast, funded and helped produce the big Canada Day show live from Parliament Hill. This year, however, the Anti-G8-Window-Smashing Festival has been scheduled for the 26-27 of June, and the CBC were faced with a choice: Set up the stage as usual, and risk having it sabotaged by protesters or having them complain about it being in their way – or wait till after the protests and have to set up in three days. The bright bulbs in Toronto had an even better idea though; cancel the party altogether, giving the protesters exactly what they want - the ability to be pains in the ass. Thanks to them, this year Ottawa will be fairly silent, and the country will be treated to a selection of musical delights directly from the happening party-town of Charlottetown, PEI – whose entire population is a fraction of the usual Canada Day crowd. Woo-Hoo.


The British


In Canada, National Pride consists of smug gloating about how we’re so much tougher, more polite, more peaceful and – most of all, who could forget – more modest than the Americans. This is often combined with alarmingly lame jokes about hockey, beer, doughnuts and toques. In the UK, on the other hand, they know what’s up: Instead of whining, feeling insecure or bashing anyone, they simply showed the rest of the world how to party last week, filling the streets of London with over a million people, who subsequently rocked out hardcore with everyone from Paul McCartney to Ozzy Osbourne. And no, they didn’t even consider cancelling the show to let people crowd the mall to smoke pot and rant against capitalism. CBC executives take note.
We should’ve kept the Red Ensign…




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