About the Author

Column Archive

Valentine's Day FAQ
2.13.2002 by JP

Why should I trust what you say? How do I know you’re not trying to steal my woman?

If there’s one thing I know, it’s women. Women flock to me like nothing else, except for possibly baby photos, they really seem to like those. I would never steal your woman. I can get any woman I want and I certainly don’t want yours, she’s ugly.

What are the origins of this romantic holiday?

Back in 1987 Larry Valentine was working in marketing at Worldwide Cards, Flowers and Gifts Ltd. (later renamed to “Hahhahahaha Suckers! Ltd.”) where he concieved the idea for “Annual Romantic Purchase Day”. The holiday was renamed “Valentine’s Day” in Larry’s memory after his unfortunate demise in 1989 at the hands of a lynch-mob formed primarily of very angry, very poor men.

I am a man, what should I do to celebrate?

If you’re lucky enough to be romantically attached to someone (as opposed to sugically) you may wish to show your affections with a small gift of flowers, candy or a card. Perhaps you could plan a romantic evening for two (or more in Utah) at a favourite restaurant, a stroll in the park followed by candles and wine.

So you’re saying I should get her drunk and stick it in her?

Yes, but the key here is subtlety, Jack Daniel’s is not a romantic beverage.

I am a woman, what should I do for my man on Valentine’s day?

For a woman, Valentine’s day is an assault on the senses. You will be subject to any number of combinations of the following:
  • Poorly written poetry
  • Low-grade supermarket roses. (occationally dandylions spray-painted red)
  • Cheap wine (occationally spiked with JD)
  • Steak Dinner for Two Romantic Special ($12.95 + tax & tip)
  • Poorly executed, drunken, flacid sex.
My advice, just grin and bear it, someday you may marry this man at which point you’ll never have to put up with romance, love, spontaneity or sexual arousal ever again.

I am single, what should I do on Valentine’s day?

The world is a cruel, horrible place, use this day to plan your exit strategy.

Should I tell my girlfriend I love her on Valentine’s day?

Only if you want your shot at the aforementioned poorly executed, drunken, flacid sex. This is a tough decision, think hard.

I’ve heard that certain foods act as aphrodisiacs and enhance sexual desire, is there any truth to these claims?

Yes, you may wish to combine several of these foods into a slurry or milkshake-of-lust. Some suggested combinations are as follows:
  • Truffles, Oysters and Horseradish
  • Ginseng, Cloves and Asparagus
  • Vanilla, Caviar and Celery
  • Tiger Penis, Bull Testicles and Fennel
Ok, we’re in bed, what should I do?

To avoid STDs skin contact should be kept to a minimum, if no condoms are availible, you can easily improvise using items you find around the house such as mason jars, toothpaste tubes, duct tape, rubber bands and bicycle inner-tubes. Footwear is optional, cleats should be avoided.

What should I wear on Valentine’s day?

In North America it is customary to don the traditional “foam-rubber heart costume”, this will convey your true feelings while maintaining a certain level of dignity and decorum.

Is it ok to pay for sex on Valentine’s day?

As stated above, gifts, romantic dinners etc… are encouraged.

What are YOU doing on Valentine’s day?

None of your business :)

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page