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Cakeman
2.8.2002 by JP


Tangmonkey . . . what is it?

Nothing dear, go back to sleep.

Wha? Who the hell are you? I was just trying to ask a rhetorical question!

Oh sorry, I'll just go.

I should hope so!

You're out of milk by the way.

Um . . . thanks, goodbye . . .

*a door slams, in the distance a crying infant can be heard*

Right, uh, where was I?

You were asking that deep philosophical question, "Tangmonkey, what is it?".

I thought I asked you to leave!!!

I'm a different person.

No, you're not. I distinctly remember that mustache.

But I've changed!

Oh don't think I haven't heard that one a million times, though I must admit the tux is a nice touch.

Thanks, you shouldn't use double negatives like that though.

Look, if you don't get out of my column I'll "double negative" you!!!

What the hell does that mean? Are you going to do something positive to me? Are you going to . . . hug me?

No, of course not! Just forget I said that, if you don't get out of my column now I'll bash you good!

"bash me good"? What are you, a hillbilly?

It's an expression, a figure of speech I heard somewhere.

Oh a quote! Who said it then?
Homer.

Simpson?

Yes.

Ah then you *are* a hillbilly!!

GET OUT OR ELSE!!

Or what?

Or I'll bash you.

What are you going to bash me with?

With this:

T



With a large caps letter "T"?

Yes.

If this were a Scwartzenegger movie you could say something clever like "Time for T" or "Your T is ready" or "Care for some T?" or "One lump or two?"

Yeah, well this isn't a Scwartzenegger movie, is it? Now get out!

No!

Fine, here comes a bashin'!

"here comes a bashin'"? That's your line?!? God, you'd never make a very good action hero, especially with those scrawny arms . . . Oh no!. . . Ack! . . . Aiiigh!

*a bashin' ensues*


Right, now that that's been taken care of I can focus on the question of the day "Tangmonkey, what is it?"

'scuze me sir? I'm not quite dead yet . . .

Look, stop interrupting me, especially with Austin Powers rip-off lines.

I just want to be loved.

Too bad.

You won't love me?

No.

Why not?

Because you're annoying.

What if I made you a cake? Would you love me then?

Maybe, for a little while, until the cake was gone.

I'll make a really big cake then!

All right, you do that.

With sprinkles!

Sprinkles? Really? For me? Wow!

Back in a jiffy!

*runs off to bake cake, you'd know that if you'd been listening*


So anyway, as I was saying, Tangmonkey, what is it? People ask me all the time; "What's the story on your website?", "You've got a website? What does it do?", "What's a website?" and "Stay away from my mother, FREAK!". To those people I reply "It's like one of those 70s TV variety shows only on the Internet" and on occasion I'll say something like "She means everything to me! You can't understand the depths of our bond!". But most of the time I stick to the 70s thing. I think this does a decent job of explaining Tangmonkey, though I've never really seen on of these shows I have seen several parodies of such shows so I *think* I know what I'm talking about. Seems to me those shows were all about getting attention, loads of it, by any means necessary, and really that's our philosophy here at TM. You could say that that's the goal of any form of entertainment but then I'd get all confused and I'd have to stall for a bit until . . .

*the triumphant return of cake-man*

Look! I baked you a cake! Will you love me now?


Nope, sorry, changed my mind.

Aghh! I HATE YOU!

I hate you too cake-man.

I have a NAME you know!

Oh yeah? That's kinda neat, what is it?

Leroy

Wow. I'm really glad you told me that Leroy.

Why's that?

Because at the end of my last column I crushed Sam with an anvil right after having learned his name so I thought I'd do the same for you.

Oh yeah, I read that column, it was quite good.

Thank you Leroy.

*Leroy is crushed by an anvil*




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