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The Wizard of Gore
2.4.2002 by Ash, every Thursday.

  Can't get enought Ash? You should be reading Pulp!

Another week, another plethora of retina-scarring cathode rays, reducing my mind to a pile of Frito- flavored mush that responds only to electrons in the shape of Vincent Price. Once again, this slice of Ash life represents a week that took place many moons ago, when men were men, women stayed in the kitchen, and that Jason Alexander show was still on the air. Next week, once I recover from my current writer’s malaise, I promise a brand-spanking new article, rife with contemporary themes, current movies, and a bad case of indigestion. Until then, enjoy the reruns.

Saturday, September 29
I Married A Monster From Outer Space
Standard McCarthy-era anti-commie parable is just as valid today as it was 50 years ago. The danger of being overrun by shape shifting aliens resembling Man-Thing is an ever-present one, and something that is even more relevant nowadays in our times of current international crisis.

Sunday, September 30
Jesus Of Montreal
First they think they’re a distinct culture, now they think they’re God. While Jesus may have been as unwashed and fragrant as any Frenchman, I highly doubt he shared any other characteristics of a typical Montrealer, like watching pornography before noon and having cigarettes for breakfast.

Monday, October 1
Mama Roma
The problem with Italian women, among other things, is that although they may start out looking like Monica Vitta, they always end up resembling Mama Roma, a fat, buttery, fruit vendor with varicose veins the size of freeways.

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn
What month would be complete without a visit from Bruce Campbell and his wacky band of deadites? Hell, what Monday would be complete without a visit from Bruce Campbell and his wacky band of deadites.

Tuesday, October 2
The Stand
A star-studded cast, including Oscar winner Gary Sinise and everybody’s favorite statutory rapist Rob Lowe, highlight this 6 hour Stephen King miniseries about the end of the world. Apparently, the world will end not with a bang but with a whimper, as we are overcome by a flurry of disease and bad make-up. The survivors must choose between good and evil, as personified by vaguely senile Ruby Dee and the guy from Law and Order: Criminal Intent with an impressive mullet, respectively. I’m not sure which is preferable, Ruby’s stuttering ramblings about guitars and cornfields, or the repulsively styled hairdo. Probably the disease.

Wednesday, October 3
Lola Montes
Old Peter Ustinov movie filmed before he merged with Dom Deluise to become the fattest man in the world. This film seems to have provided much of the inspiration for Baz Luhrman’s latest drug-addled opus Moulin Rouge, which is decidedly not a good thing. Still, it’s fun to see Ustinov while he was still capable of movement and not relegated to doing Disney voice-overs while seated.

Thursday, October 4
The Eclipse
This is quite possibly the longest movie ever made. There’s a very good chance that it’s still playing as you read this. I fell asleep, dreamed the entire plot of War and Peace, woke up, and still hadn’t finished the opening credits. I don’t think it will end before Bush finishes his term as president. Run. Save yourself.

Spy Kids
A fine kid’s film directed by From Dusk Till Dawn’s Robert Rodriguez, and starring Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, and Danny Trejo, which is really unsettling because he looks like a rapist. The film is notable only for the presence of a end-credit theme song. A tradition long thought dead, born in the eighties with the Elvira rap from Mistress of the Dark and the Fat Boys Freddy song and briefly revived in 1994 for Tone-Loc’s Ace Ventura rap and The Addams Family ‘Whoop, There It Is’ variant, it’s good to see the theme song make a come-back, right alongside leg-warmers, spandex, and the rest of what made the eighties hell.

Friday, October 5
Oh, I get it. Pretty people are stupid. That’s a good one.

And on that note, The End.

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