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FAQ Gone Wrong
1.29.2002 by JP


What is this crap? I wanted one of JP's masterfully written columns!

This crap is an attempt to fill space while I recover from the horrible flu my friend Josh gave me. I'm in a world of pain you see so creative column ideas are not forthcoming, I'll try hader next time, promise.

Yeah, you'd better try harder or you'll be in a world of pain!

I'm already *in* a world of pain, I just said that.

Oh yeah, sorry, I hope you get better soon.

Thanks, but you really should have phrased that as a question, we're doing an FAQ here.

Ok, questions, no problem, I can do questions.

Alright, let's get started then!

I like birds.

Ok, look, you've missed the point here, I need frequently asked QUESTIONS!!

Questions?

Yes, now you've got it!

Like what?

Like that, perfect, go on.

Like this?

Yes, but ones readers may have asked me on a regular basis.

Readers?

Just pretend ok?

Pretend you have readers?

Yes.

Ones who ask you questions on a regular basis?

Yes.

Sometimes I read things.

Have you ever read my column?

Well I don't think so, what's it called?

Arghh!! It's called BLAG, on Tangmonkey.com, you're in it right now!

I'm in the column? How?

Well I write the column and I decided this might be a bit entertaining so I wrote you into it.

So I'm in the column, like you.

Well yes, but I exist in real life, beyond the column.

You mean I don't exist?

Not outside my mind you don't. All you are is an idea in my head and some words on my screen.

Oh god.

Now look, I don't see why you're being so difficult, I mean really, you're a fictional character, you should do as you're told!

*wimper*

Aww jeez, don't cry.

I'm... *sniffle*... NOT... crying...

Look, just be a man about it alright?

How can I? I don't even know if I am a man or not!

Ah yes, I hadn't thought of that.

Well? which one am I? Male or female?

I suppose I hadn't really assigned you with a sex.

That explains the void in my loins.

Heh, "void in my loins", would make quite a good band name.

Hey! you've just informed me that I don't exist and have no gender! You could show a little more respect than to be chuckling to yourself about band names. It'd make a terrible name anyway.

Oh yeah? what would you name a band if you had the chance?

The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

That's the name of a band that already exists! They're quite popular you know.

Well how am I supposed to know that? I'm just a simple fictional character.

You live in my brain, you should know everything I know.

Well there doesn't seem to be much in here, though I could have a good game of squash.

Alright, I've had just about enough of this, now I must devise an ending to this madness.

Right, I've had enough too, on to bigger and better things!

What's your name by the way?

Pah, you should know that, I mean you "thought me up" and all that, sheesh!

Come on now, this is your big chance to individualize yourself.

Alright, my name is Sam, happy?

Yes.

*Sam is crushed by an anvil*




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