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The Amazing Dr. Satan
1.28.2002 by Ash, every Thursday.

  Can't get enought Ash? You should be reading Pulp!

Well, it’s that time of the week again, kids, when Uncle Ash uploads a horribly dated, late entry into my new column. I started writing this crap months ago, and never got around to posting it, so I’m using old articles to procrastinate turning off my afternoon stories and writing a new column. But hell, this stuff is free, so quit complaining.

Sunday, September 16
Island of the Burning Doomed
Strangely dull British horror movie that has Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee battling an invasion by largely unseen space aliens who eventually turn out to be the silicon-based Horta from that Devil In The Dark episode of Star Trek. Not nearly as epic as the title suggests, since the majority of the film takes place in a pub over a few pints, but there are some interesting parts.

Gangster No. 1
Remember Reservoir Dogs? So does every British filmmaker since Stanley Kubrick, apparently. The latest in a long line of British be-suited Quentin Tarantino crime flicks is like Snatch without the humor, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels without the charm, and The Limey without the point. And, incidentally, what the hell is wrong with the British? Does anyone in England actually speak English, or is that a myth? Because every Brit movie I’ve seen lately seems to be trying to increase its hipness quotient by having the characters speak an increasingly incomprehensible patois that sounds like a kid with Down’s Syndrome imitating Bob Hoskins.

Monday, September 17
Dog Star Man
As fun as it would seem to spend 75 minutes watching what appears to be a guy struggling up a snow-covered hill filmed through a lava lamp, it actually turned out to be a less than thrilling foray into experimental filmmaking. Maybe it was cool in the sixties, when you could get away with pretty much anything so long as you had enough LSD tabs for the audience, but it seems a bit tired now that much of youth culture has moved on to more energetic drugs.

Tuesday, September 18
Soul Survivors
Truly tragic teen horror movie that borrows plot twists heavily from The Sixth Sense and The Others, without ever intending to return them. On the plus side, it does contain a shower scene with Faith from Buffy, but that hardly makes up for the presence of both American Beauty’s Wes Bentley and Ben Affleck’s younger, dimmer brother Casey. Both Affleck and Bentley seem suspiciously slurry, which makes me concerned that the dream-like atmosphere of the film was less a stylistic choice than a side-effect of pot-brownies.

Wednesday, September 19
I tried so hard to stay awake for the entirety of this film, but it just wasn’t in the cards. You see, I had had a rather rough time the night before, wading through 4 hours worth of taped Good Vs Evil episodes, plus the film is a mix of both French and German, both of which are decidedly not English and therefore not very conducive to attentiveness. Apparently, the movie has something to with a mine disaster on the French/German border sometime between the two world wars, but after that my recollection becomes a little hazy and begins to resemble that episode of Incredible Hulk where he meets that boxer who runs drugs for the New Jersey mafia.

Thursday, September 20
The Devil Is A Woman
She is, and she still owes me $40 dollars for last month’s hydro bill.

Friday, September 21
Ah, Esperanto. Designed in the late 19th century by Dr. L.L. Zamenhof as a ‘universal language’ intended to unify the world and revolutionize communication, Esperanto enjoyed a brief run of popularity in the 1960s, when people were too stoned to speak properly anyway. Created by mixing Italian with what appears to be more Italian, Esperanto is supposedly four times easier to learn than any other language, although every thing you say in it ends up sounding like the name of a pasta dish. During its five minutes of fame, at least one film was made in the language, 1964’s Incubus, which starred a young William Shatner in the role of a lifetime. Thankfully, the film has been lost for the past thirty-odd years, but as the Apocalypse draws nearer and the rules and conventions of society break down, so this film has begun circulating again, treating us all to visions of Captain Kirk babbling gibberish in a tongue that’s long since joined Latin, Mayan, and Ebonics in the realm of useless languages. So naturally, I watched it twice.

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