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It's Like Gravy, Only Better
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Chapter 2: Defying Metaphysics
1.19.2002 Edited by , every Sunday.
One of the characters, which Bjorn mysteriously felt would be important to the plot, lumbered towards him like a two-legged brontosaurus. As the figure approached, the scent of hair care products wafted into Bjorn's nostrils and he suddenly felt the urge to Herbal. The character extended its long arms and laid its hands firmly on Bjorn's shoulders like two slabs of meat, each with five fingerlike extensions.
Bjorn felt himself lifted up off the ground and thrown onto an examination table. Being a large man, he found it strange to be tossed around like whiffle ball in a tornado.
"This is strange protocol for a meeting, Mr. Wilcox," said Bjorn, "and you seem to have gained some height over the weekend."
The large figure stepped back towards the second, smaller figure, which Bjorn now realized was hardly up to his waist, if he had been standing and not lying on an examination table.
"I'm not Mr. Wilcox, you fool," said the smaller figure in a voice that conveyed imminent pimples. "I am the greatest mind this world has ever seen! Mwa, ha, mwa HA! MWA!"
Bjorn was unintimidated by the high-pitched attempted cackling, but he was still as confused as a naked farmhand and a beautiful young cow being swept away by a Kansas tornado.
The midget-sized character waited for a dramatic length of time before stepping into the light. It was then that Bjorn laid his eyes on the true face of evil. It had two bambi-eyes of robin's egg blue, which held in their merry depths all that is cold and cruel. It had two cherry lips, but not those pleasant cherries -- death cherries. It had rosy cheeks and curls so blonde they made noted television psychic Jojo Savard look like Morticia Adams. And, most ominously of all, it had a single eyebrow which spanned his face like a black pipe cleaner from an evil arts-and-crafts company.
"I am Todd McNoHart," he squeaked, "and I would like to reiterate that I am the greatest mind this world has ever seen. Destroyer of nations, mastermind of global downfall, controller of minds, owner of every single Pokemon card in existence, even the special edition hologram Mewtwo, and all this at only eight-and-five-sixths years old!"
The large shadowy figure clapped his meaty hands appreciatively.
Todd took from the table a small pouch, which he began to caress gently with his stubby cocktail wiener hands. "To further my evil plans, which will become clearer in later chapters, I will feed you one of these pills. This pill will transport your body into a "time vortex", a scientific phenomenon which will sweep you on a fantastical journey to a random time in history and a random place on Earth."
"Why?" asked Bjorn.
"I realize it is a common mistake of my contemporaries to reveal their plans. I will only say that it is fiendishly clever."
"Do my clothes come too?"
"Yes, obviously, don't you know anything about science?" said Todd. "Anything you're in physical contact with will come along."
"Well, what about this table? I'm touching this table, will it come too?"
"No, of course not."
"Why not?" demanded Bjorn.
"It's all ions, you probably wouldn't understand," said Todd dismissively.
"I wrote my thesis on ions," objected Bjorn.
Todd frowned, almost pouting, and said, "I know what I'm doing, okay?" Quickly he returned to his face the mask of confidence and evil. "Now prepare for the time vortex!"
The large figure drew close and held Bjorn's face still. Todd drew out a pill which was the colour of an entire box of crayons melted together, and began to move it slowly, dramatically, towards Bjorn's open mouth. "Here comes the airplane," he uttered darkly.
Bjorn watched the pill's painfully slow path towards his mouth. Several minutes and much palpable drama later, he rolled his eyes as it finally reached his mouth and dutifully swallowed it.
Todd began cackling maniacally, like a tape recording of Darth Vader sped up. He looked to the heavens as he cried, "My plan is going exactly according to... plan."
"Nothing can possibly go wrong now," he continued, as Bjorn sneakily snatched the sack of pills from the side of the table with a barely audible "yoink". "My brilliance is unparalleled," said Todd, still gazing upon the mighty ceiling tiles above. Bjorn disappeared in a spectacular display of lights, sounds, and cinematic brilliance.
"Bobby Fisher eat your heart out," he added quietly to himself, ignoring the larger figure who was grunting mutely and pointing towards the empty table in a plot-significant fashion.
By Neale McDavitt-van Fleet and Rosemary Mosco
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