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The Stupid Test
9.16.2001 by Zebulon

Are you dumb? Do you know someone you think may be dumb? Ever wish you knew for sure, so you could take away their scissors and car keys with confidence? Well, worry no longer. I have applied my questionable intellect and need to get in a column before my deadline to give you: The Stupid Test!!

Yes, in the grand tradition of MENSA, TheSpark.com, and Breathalyzers, The Stupid Test will find out just what the tested has beneath that sloping forehead. Simply answer the following questions, or read them to whomever you wish to test, using hand puppets if necessary, and you'll find out just how dumb you are.

1.) Count to three. What number do you get?

A. 3
B. 2
C. 22
D. I always preferred Cookie Monster

2.) On what part of the body do you put shoes?

A. Feet
B. Hands
C. Hair
D. I don't wear shoes what for my daddy says we don't need no city-fied stuff.

3.) Who's yer daddy?

A. My dad
B. My mom
C. My brother
D. 'Ol Blue

4.) Grab a book or household pet. Hold it at shoulder level and let it go. Which way does it fall?

A. Down
B. Up
C. What's a book?
D. My name is Ash

5.) What is the name of the title character in Shakespeare's "Hamlet?"

A. Hamlet
B. Othello
C. J.P.
D. I'm wise to your little games, Mr. Smart Guy. It's "Title Character."

6.) Complete this sentence. "Is the Pope ___?"

A. Catholic
B. Bhuddist
C. Trappist Monk
D. An Alien

7.) One last question. Go up to a friend or acquaintance and say, "(Name of friend or acquaintance), am I dumb?" What do they say?

A. "No."
B. "Yes."
C. "Bwa-hahahahaaaa."
D. "Why did you call me 'Name of friend or acquaintance?"

Well, that's it. Short, huh? This is due to countless revisions distilling it down to these seven brilliant questions, and not laziness on Zebulon's part. That's it.

Here's how to score:

Give yourself one point for every "A" answer, no points for a "B" or "C" answer, and negative one points for every "D" answer.

6 to 7 points: You are either not dumb, or had a non-dumb person take the test for you.
2 to 5 points: I wouldn't recommend law school for you, Sparky.
-2 to 4 points: You're still giggling over seeing the word "score."
-3 to -7 points: You are a member of the Tangmonkey Group.

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