No More Mr. Nice Guy
November 27, 2000

RANT #9: Misc.
Joe Alias
Summary: A word of advice for all of you nice guys out there: Get mean.
Full Text:

A warning to all of those guys in the world still clinging to the delusion that being a nice guy will get you places in life: get out fast. The simple fact of the matter is that jerks almost exclusively do better in life than those of us who are kind.
Ive tried, for most of my life, to be a decent human-being, but ever since the early years of childhood, it has not worked out for me. When I was very young, my brother and I would get in the occasional fight. These brawls were small, fought for insignificant reasons. Recognizing the situation, I faught according to the rules of combat etiquette, and thusly almost always lost. My brother, a jerk, would resort to hair pulling, scratching, groin kicking or whatever convenient blunt object he could find. I on the other hand, was considerate in the combat maneuvers I chose (meaning: I didnt really do very much, because I didnt want to hurt my brother). I dont have to explain why this strategy does not work, but you can rest assured, it is guaranteed to always fail.

Later in life, Ive encountered many more situations in which being a nice guy is detrimental to my happiness. It has sadly become apparent that women, without a doubt, are more attracted to jerks than to men who are nice. Women always deny this, but being a single nice guy, I have first-hand knowledge of this fact. If a guy is confident enough to break the rules of etiquette and consideration that bind our society, then he is obviously very strong and worthy of female pursuit. Meanwhile a guy who is kind, will be faithful, and will bring a woman joy through his generosity is obviously weak and unworthy of attention. Again, women deny that they act like this, but that is due to the fact that all women are low-down scum, incapable of being kind themselves. This however, is another matter for another time.

More evidence to reinforce the fact that jerks are in fact the blessed, holy people of our society can be seen every day on our roads and highways. Nice people, law abiding people, will sit in traffic jams, pleasantly waiting for traffic to move forward so that they can get to their destination on time. The jerks are the type of people who race down the shoulder of the highway, only to be let back in to traffic by nice people far along the road. Why do nice people let them in? Because they are nice. Why are they nice? Because they are too stupid to realize the error of their ways.

When taken to extremes, we are able to witness the true, awesome force that only the most assholish people really possess. Bill Gates, a person in contention for biggest asshole on planet Earth, is also said planets richest man. Gates, who rose to his throne almost solely through corperate groin-kicking, has literally more money than that of the Gross Domestic Products of some decently sized Countries. Bill stole technology from other companies (including Apple and Xerox), threatened to bankrupt other corperations (such as the hardware giant Compaq), and used its monopoly to more or less eviscerate internet competitor Netscape. True, he is in rough waters now that the government anti-trust suit has been filed against him, but there is a chance that this turmoil will just make him richer. Now remember that his success is absolutely linked to the fact that he is a jerk. The comparitive success can easily be shown by comparing Bill Gates with the success of other jerks. Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison and Rupert Murdoch are all jerks. They are not jerks in the same proportions of Gates, so they are not as succesful. There is no question that this link exists, for it is an obvious fact.

So, to sum up my point, if you are a nice guy, stop it right now. If you start breaking the rules of etiquette, stop thinking about the feelings of other people and worry exclusively about yourself, you will go farther in life than any considerate chump ever will. The meaner you are to people, the more success you will have. You are ugly.

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