Don't diss the Pope.
February 25, 2001

RANT #57: Misc.
Lucid Cannon
Summary: Don't go around dissing the Pope.  God will smite you.
Full Text:

This is a rant against a rant against his roly poly holiness, the Pope.  An anonymous person posted a pretty sacrilegious rant here and I'd like to use the evening of my Sabbath Day to write a defence of the Pope.  He is my hero and I want to be just like him.  Here's why:

1.  I really dig his fashion sense.  It takes a guy with a lot of panache to be able to pull of scampering about in a white gown and a pointy hat without being associated with white supremacy.

2.  The Pope Mobile.  You could really put the pedal to the metal and no cop would dare pull you over for fear of eternal damnation (unless he was a protestant or some other form of subhuman heathen).

3.  Free trips everywhere.  Being the Pope is a passport for all-expense-paid trips wherever you want to go.  All you have to do is pencil in a few conversions between golf and scuba diving, and they'll be lining up to pay for your expenses because a few dollars and a hail Mary or two erase all the sins of earthly living... or so I will tell them.

4.  You get to make front page news whenever you make huge revelations like 'Eating meat on Fridays will not cast you into the flaming inner circle of the inferno any more than eating flesh on any other day of the week' and 'women are probably people too'.

5.  You can be stupid and incoherent and people will attribute it to your divine connection with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, rather than senility.

Don't make fun of the Pope.  You're just jealous because everybody likes him so much.  But I have news for you: when I grow up, I'm going to Pope school and I'm going to move to the Vatican be the Pope, and then you'll all be wishing you'd been nicer to me because I'll decree that Tangmonkeys are in league with the devil and everyone will denounce you and pray for your soul and hope that Baby Jesus will come again to save you from the murky slime of your sins!  And I'll be there in my white gown planning my trip to the south seas and being Popish and spiteful!

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