January 18, 2001

RANT #47: Misc.
Lucid Cannon
Summary: Ash has serious psycho-sexual problems that drive him to promote misconceptions about the paper that is well on its way to making PULP seem like a pile of llama dung.
Full Text:

Voodoo warfare didn't quite work out, so here I am using Tangmonkey as the tool with which I express my vexation regarding a certain zine which, fortunately, is now published online, so I don't have to use the actual paper to line the kitter litter tray anymore.

First of all, I'd like to congratulate Ramasaur on her very astute observations regarding Ash's psycho-sexual problems.  It's pretty clear from his article about AIRDUCT that his chauvinistic attitudes stem from a past pseudo-sexual misadventure from his childhood (possibly involving midgets) that has warped his libido so much that he now has difficulty in establishing normal relationships with women, except through the vicarious medium of the zombie porn flick, or whatever it is he's in to.  Also, it's pretty obvious that his libidinous issues are compounded by an acute inferiority complex wherein any hint of competition drives him so berzerk that another paper forces him to retreat to his sub-basement where he feverishly composes bitter rants to over-compensate for his fear of the threat he perceives.

I'm not even certain who Ramasaur is, but I did find her comments about Ash's lack of personal hygiene most accurate.  Anyone who has seen the freakshow of rotting flesh that is Ash can attest to his phobia of Francofolie contamination via basic cleanliness.  Considering Ramasaur's rant objectively, though, I don't agree that Ash shops at Le Chateau.  That would imply that he has the money, the physical endurance and the emotional wherewithal to actually go out shopping in public... which all seems highly unlikely.  Nonethess, thanks for your noble defense of our swill, Ramasaur.  You go girl!

And while we're on the subject of our AIRDUCT dregs, let's just clear up a few misconceptions which have been running rampant since Ash's little article that was, incidentally, totally devoid of any actual journalistic research on his part.

1.  We're not an all-girl paper.  Ash only met a few of us, who just happened to be of the fairer sex.  Accustomed to a zine whose list of contributors is even more limited than Ash's standards of hygiene, he assumed that we made up the entire AIRcrew.  Feeling too threatened to actually confront the fact that the number of AIRDUCT contributors is roughly equal to the number of people on his mailing list, he focussed on three or four of our illustrious contributors and assumed that we were the entire crew.  Not so.  We have a wide variety of freaks of both genders who can kick Ash's ass anytime.  And remember: we have repressed highschool rage on our side!

2.  We are not fixated with 'deliciously long words'.  Ash just thinks we do because he writes so articulately that the words 'midget' and 'nekkid' stand out as highbrow polysyllabic feats of genius.

3.  We are not a puerile hackneyed rip-off of PULP.  Our paper is not written by one lonely crackpot, so how can we be copying Ash?  And as for us being innocuous, the fact that we can discuss issues that require less intensity than deep-seeded zombie fetishes doesn't make us inane.  It makes us emotionally balanced.

4.  We don't watch Roswell (I'd never even heard about it until Ash's article), we don't carry purses and we're not obsessed with cookie recipes.  I don't know what 50's sit-com he fell out of, but I'm sure they were glad to be rid of him.


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