Hell Frose Over This Morning
January 7, 2001

RANT #42: Misc.
Grant Bonin
Summary: Why I'm the only one who realises this is the afterlife.
Full Text:

About three weeks ago I asked the girl next door, named Eva, if she would go out with me. We had been friends for some time prior to my intrepid leap of faith, and my finely honed male instincts had informed me that an attraction had been developing between the two of us, and that her answer to my proposition could only be yes.
It was an unequivocal no.
Well, actually, it wasn't an unequivocal no; more precisely, her response was: "Not ever... in fact, not until hell freezes over!"
Although I was puzzled by her unanticipated response, and troubled by a certain diminutive hostility which I sensed in her tone and phrasing, her choice of words really got me thinking.

After several weeks of wallowing in rejection and humiliation, I began to ponder the very nature of my existence; after a short time, I began to see things clearly, and suddenly, I reached a profound philosophical conclusion:
I realized that this is the afterlife.
And I am in Hell.
Now, I know exactly what you're thinking: that I'm crazy, that I've absolutely lost it, that I require immediate professional attention. But I assure you, this is not the case; I am quite confident in my supposition that this is the afterlife and I am in hell. Just hear me out.
I am of a very scientific mind; I have always worked with logic at the forefront of my thoughts, and in everything I've ever learned about science, evidence seems to suggest that, in matters of the divine, there unfortunately can exist no intervening force outside of our universe... sciences says that all there is is what we can see, and that there is no God.
But at the same time, scientists find it really tough to believe that the human race could have come into being without a little help from above... our species isn't that lucky. And besides, it only seems natural that there's something bigger than us out there.
So here's my thinking; if science says that there can't be a God out there, but science also suggests that we're here by virtue of a God, then it seems to me that the big guy pullin' all the strings is around here somewhere, like it's an inside operation. And since most religions define the afterlife as being God's office, and I figure that he's workin' outta here, than this has got to be the afterlife.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the afterlife.

And it must be Hell, because Eva won't go out with me.

Perhaps you have not yet been adequately convinced.
Now, if I'm not making sense to you, and you've got the idea that I should be hauled off to the funny-farm, to eat soft food in a soft room for the rest of my life, then there can only be one reason for your sentiments:
You are in Heaven.
Perhaps I should clarify; while I am absolutely convinced that we are all, all of us, in the afterlife, I am  positive that only I am in hell; as far as I know, just about everybody else is in heaven. In other words, I believe that both heaven and hell have merged into one single afterlife, but which particular "state" of afterlife one is in is unique to the individual.
While I do believe that I am in hell, I'm pretty convinced that most of you happy people out there with stable lives and careers - are in heaven. For instance, Bill Gates is probably in heaven. I'll bet his barber is too; the guy doesn't exactly do a lot of work.

You'd think clowns would all be in heaven, but the fact of the matter is that they are not; they are really all very tragic, pathetic individuals. It's sad. (Just thought I'd mention clowns. Somehow it seemed necessary.)

My Mother is in hell... She wakes up in the same house as me, every single day. My English teacher was in heaven when she read this paper and was granted the pleasure of basking in the light of my radiant genius. Conversely, I'm sure that the judges are presently in hell.

I think that you understand what I mean a little better now.

It's quite humourous to think of all the people who, in times of adversity, have been heard to exclaim, "I'm in Hell!" They have no idea. The other day, I was told that I should go to hell. If only they knew.

I concede that this is an unusual perspective, to say the least. I don't suppose I would have realized that this is the afterlife and that I am in hell at all if it hadn't been for Eva - but she was by no means the deciding factor. There are other reasons for my certainty... perhaps listing a few of them might aid you in determining your place in the great hereafter:
Let's see... there's doing dishes, laundry, the damnable, mind-numbing plight that is... television!  Failing your driving test (three times), the dentist, feeling cheated by the inability of James Cameron to devise an original ending to Titanic...

Well, you get the point. So, are you with me or not?

At this point, now that we have established that I am a genius and that we do indeed live in the afterlife, there are probably about three questions which have come to your mind:

1) How did we get here, in the afterlife?
2) What happens to everyone who dies here, in the afterlife?
3) Who is The Devil, and Who is God?

Now, we all know the answers to the first two questions... they're so simple they need not even be addressed.
As for the third, that is indeed a very interesting question. And I will attempt to answer it. Who is the Devil, and who is God?
Let us begin with the Devil: we have to start by looking at her purpose, her function in the afterlife; I believe that her business is simply to cause the maximum amount of misery among those of us in Hell. That said, who do I believe is The Devil? Well, who, for me, has caused the greatest amount of personal anguish?
Maybe The Devil is that Owl in the woods next to my house that keeps me awake every night. Lots of pain there. And its head turns around like that girl's in The Exorcist.
It might be Barney... or maybe his creator. Or one of the Teletubbies. I'm deeply suspicious of Tinky-Winky. It could be the person who decided to make nine Star Trek sequels, or nine Rocky sequels. Maybe they're all the same person.
Actually, I'll bet it's that guy Rubik and his damn cube.
But it's all speculation. I guess there really is no way to be sure who The Devil is - at least, not until the next election.

As for God? Well, in all honestly, Heaven isn't my area of expertise. You're probably in a better position to tell. But, since God is an omniscient figure who governs all, my bet is on the people that published this piece of crap.

Well, I guess that's pretty much it. I do, therefore, conclude that this is the afterlife and I am in Hell. Are you with me? Regardless, you must spread the word - the people must know!

There is one good thing though: here in Canadian Hell, it's not that hot. It's certainly not as hot as it must be down in the more southern areas of the afterlife.
In fact, this morning I had to go out and warm up the car; the temperature was well below freezing.
Hmm... hell's freezing over...
Where did I put Eva's number?

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