Sunday Comics
December 19, 2000

RANT #37: Misc.
Summary: A brief history of technology.
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
Full Text:

What the HELL happened to sunday comics?  I mean sunday used to be the only day comics were printed, usually a slow news day and so the comics were seen as a welcome change of pace.  A few big pages of full colour comics, half a page was devoted to each strip, comics were all the colours of the rainbow and big as life itself.

Suddenly, sometime before I was born, the comics began to shrink and change.  Denis the Menace seemed to swear a lot more than he used to,  Charlie Brown was beating Snoopy on a regular basis and Cathy had gotten herself knocked up... Something had definitely changed, but what? Television, had arrived.

With the advent of 'round the clock broadcast of explicit pornography and public executions the comics had lost their luster and needed some way of maintaining their hold on the public's quickly diminishing attentions spans.  Fortunately for comic artists of the era television was not the only technological change brought by these modern times.  Crack cocaine brought hard drugs to the masses and allowed comic artists to conceive "kooky" but short lived strips such as "Petey: The Boy Who Killed People Who Got Between Him and His Sweet Sweet Nose Candy"  and "Cracker Jack: Give Him Some Crack or He'll Stab You In the Eye".

Eye stabbings, ahhh... memories of a bygone era.  The dramatic rise in eye stabbings brought on another technological change that would rock the very foundations of humanity.  The hand gun.  Hand guns are now used for everything from scolding misbehaving children to muggings but before liquor store holdups and 4th of july misshaps the hand gun was an important tool.  The hand gun's primary use was to kill those rat bastards that keep stabbing me in the eye.  As a tool of a new kind of tradesman the hand gun was respected by all and was considered the highest authority in the land.  This solid authority was disturbed with man's greatest accomplishment, splitting the atom.  The awesome power unleashed could not compare with anything that had come before.  This power would come to be known as The Electric Turkey Carving Knife.

The Electric Turkey Carving Knife was seen by some as a message from god, by others as a cheap gimmic.  It was difficult for those who first saw it to fully understand the potential of this appliance.  They say hindsight is 20/20 and it certainly is in this case, when we look back we laugh at those who doubted the power and influence of The Electric Turkey Carving Knife, we even call them fools.  We must understand though that they could not see the society we now live in, built on the principles and morals of The Electric Turkey Carving Knife.  They could not see it, just as we sometimes forget and take The Electric Turkey Carving Knife for granted.  It is especially important to give thanks to The Knife in this holiday season when it is so easy to forget that the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the houses we live in and even the air we breath would not be possible without our one guiding light though all the madness that surrounds us.  The Electric Turkey Carving Knife.

(special thanks to James Burke)

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