If I Were God
December 18, 2000

RANT #35: Misc.
JP
 
Summary: The things I would do, if I were god.
 
Full Text:

 
If were god I'd let everyone know well in advance about the afterlife, weather it existed and what could be done to increase or decrease one's chances of getting in or not.  There should be a strict set of rules for this sort of thing and if you break one of the rules you should be alerted immediately or the concequences.  Imagine killing a man at the age of 6 and then growing up to be a productive member of society, unaware of the fact that for all these years you've been damned to hell!  That's just cruel.

If I were god I'd have email.  I'd check it every 3 seconds and answer in full sentences with propper grammar.  People could email me before they did something questionable.  "Will this porn (see attachment) cause me to go to hell?".  When you got old enough to start worrying about the future you'd recieve a personalized email from me.  It would detail all sorts of important dates and information that people have a tendency to worry about.

"When will I meet the love of my life?"
"When will I lose my verginity? and with whom?"
"What is my calling?"
"When will I die?"

I think having these sorts of answers early in life would reduce stress and save a lot of time.  Handy huh?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, if I were god I'd give everyone hellishly fast computers and internet connections.  Though I'd probably use a different adjective.  This would be my people's method of communication amongst themselves as well as to me.  Any management handbook will tell you that propper commucation is key.  If I were god I'd be a hands on manager too, I wouldn't let my people struggle with things they couldn't understand.  If a physicist emailed me and asked what the key to cold fusion was I'd gladly tell him "haha silly! it's impossible", no need for anyone to needlessly research for years and years before figuring that out.

If I were god I'd make sleep optional, it's nice when you want it but when you're about to fly 300 tourists to Maui after having been awake for 39 hours it can be a bit of a drag.  Sleep should be a choice and people should be able to control it conciously.  "I would like to sleep for 3 hours, I should awaken if the telephone rings or if someone knocks on my door, If the phone is a telemarketer I would like to sleep through it and for my answering machine to swear at them."  It's really an injustice to the human race that we don't have good control over a bodily function as simple and comon as sleep!

If I were god I'd give everyone complete control over all their bodily functions, especially memory.  I'd allow people to block out bad memories but remember everything else perfectly.  Eating would become optional, eating would also no longer have any influence on weight, physical appearance, acne, scent of breath or anything else.  Eating food would only consist of the few seconds of sensation you get from chewing, tasting and swallowing the food, no side effects.

If I were god this rant would be funny, informative and thoughful.  This rant would be the words the world would live by for the next 1000 years.  This rant would not be full of errors in grammar, spelling and jugement.  If I were god you could read this rant from top to bottom 30,000 times and not get bored of it, you'd wallpaper your house with it and spend the rest of your days trying to make sure everyone had read it.  IF I were god I woudn't spend my time writting rants on tangmonkey.com, I'd post my rants in the dreams of every human being who sleeps tonight because it's still required.  IF I were god you'd be enlightened by now.

I'm not god

sucker.
 


Add a comment to this rant: 0 comments



Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page