Don't Read This!
November 27, 2000

RANT #29: Tangmonkey Sucks
Summary: Don't read any further, you've already wasted 2 seconds of your life on this. Three if you read all the way to here.
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
Full Text:

Ever watched the Outdoor Life Chanel? I have. I watched for exactly long enough for me to fight the devils of my TV addiction (22 mins) and get the hell outside to ride my Unicycle. Now you might think to yourself "I'm going to mail-bomb this bragging unicyclist" but you'd be wrong because this rant isn't about my ability to ride a unicycle, nor is it about my tight buttocks or my washboard abs. This rant is about the irony of media that profits from your continuing absorbtion of it while telling you there are plenty of better ways to spend your time. And no, I'm not talking about when your mistress says "You're naughty, what would your wife say?". So here's my own attempt to get you up off your ass, or at least away from this site. (it won't be too hard because Tangmonkey sucks.)
What are you doing at this stupid site written by a bunch of hacks who can't even spell? There are plenty of better things you could be doing with your time such as riding the unicycle in order to tighten up those washboard abs. I mean at very least you could be absorbing some truly funny stuff over at Ah.. the spendor of the internet, never before has so much information and opportunity been at your fingertips, AND YOU CAME HERE !?! I mean at very least you could be checking out some free porn! Get a Skill. Get outside. Get washboard abs. Get a job. Get back to work. Get an education. Get a girlfriend. Get a life. Get off this page! there is no way it can even possibly improve your life! Sure, it may be getting you to chuckle a bit to yourself (those of you I didn't lose back at the free porn) but it's crack for the soul! It makes you happy the instant you read it but it doesn't solve any of your problems and then your baby is born all deformed! Do you really want to read a piece by someone who would poke fun at crack-babies without even knowing that birth defects aren't the problem but the fact that babies are born addicted?

Let's try a little exercise, take off your shirt. I know what you're thinking: "My webcast isn't scheduled for another hour" but seriously, do it. Now look down. If you see large breasts and are female CALL ME! Otherwise, read-on. If you see flab don't be surprised, you sit on your ass all day reading stupid websites. Here's what you've gotta do, lean out to the left as if you're trying to see if that last beer-nut rolled behind the monitor. Now fall to the ground. Oh! I see that beer-nut! It's at your feet! There, you just did a situp. Do that 1000 times a day for a year and you'll have bruises all down your left side but what's more, you'll have washboard abs my friend.

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