Tom Cruise: The American Pig
July 4, 2006

RANT #265: Arts & Entertainment
Summary: Tom Cruise and the 3 million dollars he denied to numerous starving children simply because the pictures of his daughter did not meet the same price as pictures of Brad and Angelina's baby.
Full Text:

Tom Cruise: The American Pig.

This rant of mine was born from my utter disgust in Tom Cruise for taking bids from various publications for the first pictures of his recently born baby girl, and then denying a bid of 3 million US dollars because it was significantly lower than the amount Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie received for the first pictures of their child. If it was simply a matter of exploiting your child for profit then I wouldn’t spend the time writing this since, unfortunately, that is the rickety nature of many parents. But this is different.

After Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie successfully sold the first pictures of their child for 4 million US dollars, and then pledged to donate that money to help other, more needy children I thought that was the perfect thing to do, especially considering the nature of the venomous paparazzi and their equally insidious employers. So, it made me wonder why other celebrity couples haven’t done the same thing. It’s a simple, yet extremely effective and generous method that I’m surprised hadn’t been more readily employed in the past.

Well, evidently the ever opportunistic Tom Cruise was thinking the same thing.

So what did he do? As I stated above, he started his own bid war for the first pictures of his daughter, and then after allegedly receiving a bid in the vicinity of 3 million dollars, simply stuck his nose in the air like the greedy aristocrat I presume him to be. The reason this bothers me so is because the 3 million dollars he could have received for the first pictures of his child would have greatly benefited the lives of thousands of other needy children across the world. But what did he do? He denied the bid. One can only speculate the reasons for denying thousands a better start in life, but when considering his past I believe it was a simple matter of insecurity and greed.

Like following the trail of a horse with a full stomach, I found these tender morsels of information along the way.

1.) Adopted kids for celebrity reason, only to have almost no part in raising them.

2.) During his marriage to Nicole Kidman, fought off endless rumors about his sexuality, during which time he sued, or threatened to sue numerous publications who dared mention his possible homosexual tendencies. The whole debacle ended with him suing his rumored gay lover who finally came clean to a publication. Generally, rumors about celebrities tend to die a quick death if they have no truth to them, but the ones in which live a life of nearly a decade long and result in the confessor being sued by the celebrity … hmm, I wonder.

3.) Scientology. I won’t even dare to make an attempt in explaining a belief system that looks upon a deceased science fiction writer as a deity, but I will mention the supposed recent attempt by Tom Cruise to recruit Scarlett Johansson into Scientology. Evidently when they were trying to cast the lead female role in Mission Impossible 3, she had a personal meeting with Tom Cruise, during which time was severely pressured into joining Scientology, and was even brought to some sort of meeting with other higher ranking members. Yeah, of course religions and other similar organizations endure the evolution of the human mind by recruiting the young and impressionable, but I’m only using this as an example to help view this guy collectively and revive some of his forgotten past.

4.) The divorce. You got to give this guy credit if you’re a fan of the corporate world. After a decade of being together with Nicole Kidman and forming a family, he starts to feel the heat. With mere months separating the day in which he would risk losing half of his personal worth to Nicole(if they were to ever divorce) he dumps her. Sure, he had been with her for a decade, bought some kids with her, repeatedly confessed his undying loyalty and love to her on the public airwaves, but be at risk of losing half of his wallet to the love of his life? No thanks, maybe I don’t love you so much after all ...

5.) Katie Holmes, Brooke Shields and those dirty Doctors. This is fairly recent news so I’m confident most people reading this have a general idea of the insanity attached to this subject, but here’s my summary played out in the head of Tom Cruise:

Is your brain dirty Katie? (Katie’ eyes have that awe inspiring ‘deer in the headlight look’) Let me wash it, it won’t hurt. (‘deer in the headlight again’) If I deem it clean then I promise that I’ll appear on Oprah Winfrey’s show and jump up and down while professing my love to you … on a sofa! (The deer was struck head on) Damn, I’m good. (Her eyes now resembling the glossed over ‘stoned look’)  I feel as if I hold her brain in the palm of my hand. Hmm … if I now have the power to brainwash another celebrity then surely I can do the same to the masses of little people. That’s it! I will use War of the Worlds as a stage for my mass brainwashing scheme. But wait a minute … I consider myself a strategist, and being the strategist I am I need to accurately foresee and thwart any derogatory attempts made against my character, but who would dare stand against the number one superstar in the world for nearly 15 years? Um … Doctors? Doctors! Damn them! I know what I can do! I’ll publicly defame doctors and claim that their years of studies was for nothing and their methods invalid! And then … and then I’ll attack another celebrity who benefited from one … but they can’t be too famous … Brooke Shields! Yes, that’s it! (Resembling his annoying character from Cocktail) I’m still on top baby!

6.) Sure, that little play of mine was a bit over the top and poorly written, but hey, that’s my perception of his inner works. But in attempt to verify the assumption that he views himself as one more meaningful than a doctor, I’ll mention the time that he bought an official ultrasound machine and then, like the hero he is, proceeded to perform illegal ultrasounds on the then pregnant Katie Holmes.

7.) And just when you thought people had figured out a way to get around his incessant manipulation of the media, he allegedly bullies Paramount into canceling a certain South Park episode from being aired in the U.K. Evidently he was not going to do any publicity for M:I:III if they allowed the re-airing of the scientology bashing / Cruise sexuality questioning episode. At least justice was served up when the failure of M:I:III was largely credited due to the fact that he over publicized it. Ha.

Too bad we can’t impeach celebrities.

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