GASP.... you have to go to the Mall?!?!
May 12, 2006

RANT #263: Consumer
B $ Crane
Summary: Many people enjoy the mall... I do not. Its packed to the hilt with freakshows, and 8 out of 10 times, I leave empty handed. Here's some observational humor of the merchant hell hole.
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
Full Text:

I hate the mall... in fact, just typing the word "mall" makes me regret that I didn't choke on my lunch earlier, causing me to collapse on floor and die of asphyxiation. You may find yourself asking, "B$, why do you hate the mall so much, it is such a glorious cornucopia of shopping splendor?" ... well buckle your seat belt cause Im going to give it to you so straight that you will swear you are reading a rant written by the actual fuckin Straight of Gibraltar.

Ok, yes it is SOMETIMES convenient to have everything in one destination so it cuts back on your usage of gasoline, which is now a luxury that only Bill Gates and Donald Trump can indulge in, but how many times do you actually find yourself saying "I need a CD, a coffee, a board game, some thongs, a cooking spoon, a cell phone, a book, some jeans and an ionic breeze air purifier at the same time, I guess Ill go to the mall!" My guess is never; in fact, the headache the mall will provide greatly outweighs its convenience. You end up driving to the hell hole, spend 45 minutes searching for a damn parking spot (which end ups always being on the damn roof of the garage) and then drudge down the 212 fights of stairs only to find out that there is " Not a mall entrance on this floor"; therefore, stressing you out to the brink of heart attack before you've even entered the effin place! Speaking of the stairs... could we maybe get Jerry the Janitor to go in there with a mop and solve the riddle of why they always smell like some bulbous bum just devoured a can of asparagus and pissed himself?

Ok, you've finally reached an ever elusive mall entrance... but don't get relieved just yet! You still have two sets of doors and an enclosed wind tunnel detoxifying like chamber to finagle through. Do you think that Satan has two shark filled moats and a football field coated with nails and broken glass that you have to cross before getting into Hell? Well maybe he does, but thats Hell... Im just trying to buy some Birkenstocks for Christs sake! After you regain your composure, look around at the mess of events around you, doesn't it turn your stomach to the point that all you want to do is go home, wax one off and fall asleep on your futon watching The Bachelor? Well tough, you've come too far to just back out now, and God has been known to smite the families of quitters.

The most entertaining and annoying part of the mall is the freak show of customers that flock to this merchant vestibule. On the top floor, there is always an "Ernie the Exerciser" who is too effin cheap to purge the 50 bucks for a gym membership. "Ernie" is dressed to the hilt in wind pants (or umber shorts depending on the season) a "Life is Good" T-shirt, some wrist sweat bands (do your wrists really sweat enough that they necessitate bands?) and some 2 pound weights. They do power walk laps with their arms flailing like they are qualifying for the Olympic marathon with absolutely no regard for the customers that are actually there to shop. One time "Ernie" slammed into me and when I looked up to see what the hell had just hit me like a gigantic sweaty skunk; he shot me a look like a dick was growing out of my forehead. "Oh Im sorry to disrupt your powerflex class, how silly of me to think that I could buy some distressed jeans at the Gym of Asshole, go about your business! I hope someone bludgeons you to the point of coma with a thigh master!"

The next culprit is " Gary the Goth", he and his crew of flunkies can usually be found shadowing Hot Topic or in the hallway leading to the restroom. They stare at anyone that has a skin pigment; with such scorn and disgust that one would think they just murdered Marylin Manson. The thing that puzzles me the most is that they dress like a vampire from the matrix in rebellion against the norm of society; yet, their hangout is set up in between KB Toys and Bath and Body Works. Shouldn't they be somewhere dark and dreary like a graveyard where they can cast spells and conduct sacrifices by candle light? Hey " Gary", while you're there you should bring a shovel so you can burry your friends alive and then cave in your skull, I hear that really ticks off society.

The next person is "Susie the Stopper", she annoys me so much that I go home and vomit blood. Everybody is moving along at a steady pace, like cars on the highway, and all of a sudden she just stops in her place as if she stepped in a vat of super glue. This causes me to run into her and clog up the pedestrians that are behind me. "Susie", if the curling iron on the kiosk strikes your fancy, why dont you step out of the way and "ooh and ahhh" all you want, cause the next time you stop dead in your tracks in front of me, I am going to foot locker, buying a pair of cleats and punting you all the way to Nordstrom... how do you like those apples, twat?

"Elderly Edith" I know you cant help it because of your age, but is there anyway you can send someone to do your shopping? "Edith" arrives via bus with about 15 other "Ediths" and storm into the mall (I use the word 'storm' very lightly) as if they are embarking on a land war William Wallace style. What confuses me is that "Edith" always comes in on the bottom floor when she clearly knows that the only store she wants to go to is Hallmark Cards, which is on the third-fucking- floor. So she works her way to the elevators (because apparently escalators are the devil) at the blistering speed of a lady bug. She makes sure to stare at me, and everyone else that is under 70, with extreme bitterness and anger, all the while mumbling to herself and drooling all over her newly crocheted shawl. Why would "Edith" go through such trouble? I'll tell you. So she can buy enough cards to take care of every holiday and birthday for the next 15 years... even though I know she is only going to last another 2...maybe! Hey "Edith", why dont you save your money for a Vespa scooter so you can drive into traffic.... but not before making me some cookies, cause cookies made by old ladies are delicious!

"Stu the skater" you are such a tampon, I hate you. "Stu" and his so called "crew" gather either in the food court or at the main entrance to the mall. They stand around with their skateboards and shout dumb shit at every person that walks through the door. Let me tell you something "Stu", you arent funny. Your friends are laughing at you because you are a retard and not clever. You think that because you watch "Viva La Bam" that you are now just as cool, but the truth is, Don Vito wouldnt even take the time to look at you with his lazy eye because you are worthless. Don't feel like youve got to be a hard ass in public just because you are the toolish punching bag at school. Its going to be funny when you make just one too many fake fart noises, that " Gary the Goth" gets irritated, drowns you with his black hair dye and then drinks your blood.

Finally on my list is, 'Walter the Wigger"...what the hell dude? You can find this poor confused lad and his posse of ass pimples playing crotch grab around Changes, Downtown Locker Room or any athletic shoe store. You can spot them a mile away because of their XXXXL Wu- Tang shirts and their absurdly bright white hats with the starched straight brim, proudly showcasing the manufacturers hologram... apparently that is the style. "Walter", what went wrong in your life that all of a sudden you went from wearing plaid shirts and playing with Lincoln logs to winning the "Worst Dressed" trophy at The Source Awards. You look re-god damn-diculous. I know you are "down with the struggle" and just "frontin fo the true you, yo" but COME ON! And what is with the random freestyles you break out with? One minute you are purchasing a cinnamon and sugar treat from Pretzel Time and the next minute you are busting into a rhyme about robbing a gas station and raping children, give me a break. Im going to make sure that I carry a video camera with me every time I go to the mall, cause one day, some burly black man named Lorenzo is going to stomp you down, make you swallow your T-Mobile sidekick and then steal the chrome spinner hubcaps off of your Pontiac Sunfire.

Ahhh... I feel better. Till next time...Im out.. Like the career of the lads from "Queer Eye"

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