NHS Nutritional Hacking Society
May 15, 2004

RANT #242: Consumer
Summary: You go in below par and come out better? The NHS gets my sincerest form of flattery.
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
Full Text:

For the idiots who dont know what I am bitching about (of course you dont, youre Americans) look here: http://www.channel4.com/news/2004/05/week_2/12_dispatches_fit_to_eat.html

We have a hospital scheme over here called the NHS, and it is a huge pile of shit. It sucks so bad you could literally smell the shit seeping through the computer when you go to their website. Its shit and it is sitting right next to the other topics like Bin Laden and the long term crisis of defiling god. Thats how bad it is. Still dont know what I am bitching about? Dont blame ya. Let me ticket your ass to hell, and show you the entire void of what has just happened.


A group of people called the dispatches applied for a job at Tillery Valley Foods in Wales that produces 45,000 hospital meals a day to discover the true meaning of the better hospital food program. They hidden a tiny little camera in the new employees uniform and sent him in to get enrolled. He got the job and the fun really began. His job was to transport containers of food to different areas for six weeks, and thats a lot of crap. In this special edition rant, I will not only bitch about the unethicals Tillery Valley decided to impose for an hour. But I will be submitting this link to Channel4.com so they could enjoy this too. Maybe tangmonkey could become a house hold name or I with a CAPITAL FRIGGIN I could be a well known internet comedian, who knows? Where to begin... Oh yes...

1) The first thing I noticed on the video when it came out was that everybody couldnt resist sampling the food. So what they do? Stick their fingers in, eat it and stick it back in and eat it again. A female employee even told our agent that youre not supposed to eat off the production line. Well if you know youre not supposed to eat off the line, then why do you do it you? I hope a vat of fucking hardcore seeps into the custard and summons some kind of monster, and eats you, see how you like it you dumb bitch. Its not just eating the food straight off the production line that Tillery Valley fails to realise, Two workers nominated the prick of the year award (Its always a tie between Jesus and Bush) officially disappointed me when he didnt wash his hands after a nosebleed while the other cleans his fingernails with a knife which he then cuts an entire box of potatoes. Where the fuck did they qualify? This is where that next puke factor comes in

2) It is company policy to give them a food safety certificate when they complete some course in the 4-8 weeks as soon as they join the company; our undercover buddy didnt receive this after this period. Some of his staff claimed they had to wait even longer than that, with one female worker claiming she did not do the course for almost a year. Is it not essential to show you have at least half a brain to work on the force? Did these dipshits say I like cooking and suddenly got promoted? If thats all it takes then why am I still here? Student, Genius, and I am still unemployed. Oh thats right, I forgot, IT DOESNT EXIST! Its the law for the company to make sure you have a certificate in basic hygiene before you actually start working. And if you dont, you take a bleeding course in basic motherfucking hygiene! I am not asking much here for you fuckheads to follow the law. Wait, it doesnt stop there either

3) Everybody likes playing games, but did their mummys tell them not to play with food. I guess mummy didnt tell them that chucking and spitting the food could cause food poisoning. (*Watches the video again*) nope, guess not. You people are in your twenties, thirties and forties; you are grown up, civilised human beings. And you are in a factory that could be easily contaminated if not looked after properly, supplying food for most of Britains hospital food, and you are working for the liberation of ill people. You are acting like DUMB CHILDREN! You are responsible for the well being of health of Britain, now GROW UP!

4) The factory is literally the definition of SHIT HOLE If not worse. And like all cowering dogs these unethical scums they are, they stop production and clean up any evidence of filth. The inspector comes in and validates it satisfactory. I guess they didnt count on our hard boiled intrepid hero now did they. As long as there are no health inspections this week and there are no corny hidden camera shows wanting to catch them out red handed, then I guess thats fine, right? Wrong. You know the effect when word was going round the classrooms at high school when the Inspector comes in for a day to see the class through a typical day? At least thats what they see. But when they leave, all hell breaks loose! Its the same damn thing here.

5) Elsewhere a bucket used to transfer cooked food is rinsed out in water by a worker and placed on the floor before being reused. Dispatches' took sample swabs from this bucket and from five other receptacles used for cooked food for laboratory testing. The results were concerning with two of the six samples testing positive for E-Coli. And yes, I did copy this off the channel4.com quit bitching, Im trying to rant here. (motherfucker) so what you did was take a bucket and rinse it, and put it back on the floor, what was the point of cleaning it in the first place? Idiot!

6) Making me especially ill, our camera concealer witnessed a cooked sauce being left to stand slowly cooling for up to seven hours and then being portioned into meals. The fine definition of YEUGGH. The Department of Health's own guidelines specify that cooked food must be chilled to at least 7C within two hours to slow down the growth of potentially dangerous bacteria, Im a consumer of the NHS, get me the fuck out of here!!!

And finally, the horrifying truth (DUM DUM DUM!!!)

7) Besides from having enough bacteria to give food poisoning to the person who is dumb enough to eat it. The food fails to display the nutritional content of the meal. So some scientists did a few experiments on the food and found out that besides from discovering that they needed to wear environment containment suits just to approach the fluidly digested food, they found out that it has no nutritional content at all. The stuff had an insufficient calorie value, so the malnutritioned are getting worse. The food contained more fat than taste, so they have made cuisine produce with about as much flavour as a Spike Lee movie. Furthermore, because this is a cook-chill-cook-freeze company, they took so much time to prepare the food; the food has gone beyond edible in such a way that it has the unsatisfactory texture of concrete. The peas taste like bullets, the chicken looks like a pathetically carved wooden sculpture and tastes like old sawdust, and the celebrity chefs had no idea of the perils that lurked inside the food. COME ON FOR FUCK SAKES! THE MEAT IS GREEN!!!!!!!!!1

This shit is officially classified sanitary, the food is then being sent to hospitals and that means that extremely vulnerable people are eating it: namely the elderly, the very young, the mal-nutritioned and the ill. I literally fell over and fainted like a cardboard cut-out. It was too much for me to take. Henceforth this rant to plead for handouts because the hospital chain has hired a garrison of pathetic elite group of morons to cook their food for their patients. If they serve this shit under my nose, I will give the order to invade Russia with my glitter incineration tuxs, and fuck the nurses till I nut in my underwear in front of the nearest live news camera. Cause Ive had enough of the government employing other people obviously too incompetent to work for a free fucking health service. Hell I wouldnt eat this dick gel even if it had the meaning of life in it. If it had a treasure map to the biggest riches in the world somewhere in that food, I still wouldnt touch it. Id rather eat the fucking dumpsters inside out behind the hospital rather than eat the shit they serve me. Fuck, I would start a riot if I wanted to, let this be a lesson to all you cunts out there who expect you could pay for shit like this and get a budget form it.

This is Druss, I hate you, and thats all

Add a comment to this rant: 0 comments

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page