419
February 25, 2004

RANT #232: Computers & Internet
Druss
 
Summary: Weird, 6 billion morons in the entire world, and out of the remaining 1 billion normal pissed off dudes; they all want my money.
 
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
 
Full Text:

 
Okay, I'm mega transformed from crazy, grumpy dude of tangmonkey to pissed off soviet general of the late USSR. Maybe Im always like this, but I feel angrier this time, and Im all like FUCK RUSSIA! I'm so pissed off that I don't think Im ever going to use e-mail the same anymore. If you give me 5 billion Pounds () then I still won't reconsider! Want to know what I am bitching about? This fucking boiler house thing going on every single fucking day!!! Still dont know? Then you should be on a telethon drooling and asking for Paypal donations.

Basically, a rich dude in some third world country dies leaving a huge non-existent wad of money in some bank. And the manager is so pissed off; he wants to give it away to some random dude, namely you. And asks you to open an account and then put in a deposit. It might be a few grand, maybe more. The main point is that you will never see it again, because they will disappear quicker than a can of dog shit fragrance air spray. And people believe them too! Being the morons they are they whip out their little checkbooks and send the money to these retards.

Now before you jump up my ass and call me a fucking racist, "Oh you bastard Druss, you aren't giving them the money, you are RACIST" look, I have enough people jumping up at me... "Oh, youre a wanker, you don't like soap, youre an ATHEIST!!!" But I under no circumstances am racist. Just because I think they're greedy, deceptive and overall total bastards doesn't make me racist! OKAY?! It doesn't make me racist, ageist, sizeist, sexist, passionist or whatever.

Anyway, these 419 scammers are wandering around looking for their "blessed friends" to help them out. And Ive noticed a couple of things and they all waste my time! For example, some rich bastard died horrifically leaving a huge wad of money by pure coincidence. And the Bank ALWAYS wants to give it to me, yes, give a normal everyday European wanker the opportunity to financially ruin himself. Is it considered polite to screw yourself financially for some total stranger? If they want to get rid of the money that bad, why dont their next of kin get the money? Like I said, its a fucking huge lie. Finally, they refuse to give you a straight answer, because you will almost always get 25% over the quarter sum of pi plus interest and APR over the captor base rate of 3.5% depending on your masturbation standards of penial dysfunction times the sound of the last human in my family to shove his hand up his arse. This I say is eating my heart and soul quicker than god is right now incinerating me slowly with his magic magnifying glass. So I intend to eliminate it. Forget Russia for now, those soviet bastards can wait until I finish inflicting pain on these motherfuckers.

You want to know how to deal with these fuckers, well you could just say no but wheres the fun in that? You want to stop them from giving you meaningless shit in your e-mail box then do it this way. Like I did, and you will be laughing on for hours on end and tell everyone how stupid this fucker was. OK, so I got Mr. John Komo coming in my inbox, telling me:

Good day sir, It is with great sincerity of purpose, I write to you seek your lenience in this utter fucking lie! I am DR JOHN KOMO.  Director, Nigerian National Liar and overall motherfucker. So hes submitted something to me that has about as much sense of existing as the Millennium dome in London, and I had to admit I had to run the spellchecker on this because this loser cant spell. Maybe I should have run an idiot check so I dont get these anymore. But I cant, because this guy is compelled to write you because of the opportunity now at my disposal to transfer the sum of US$45 Million out of the Corporations Account to any overseas/Foreign dominated Bank Account upon proper application and acquiring of documents that establishes you as the beneficiary  of the over Invoiced Contract Sum. Well what the fuck does this have to do with me? He gets to it, he says:

It may interest you to know that I used my position as the Contract Award/Tenders Board Chairman as liar of the board to get rid of this hefty sum of shit by over-invoice of contract awarded to a blah blah blah blah blah blah I am not interested, because all Ive heard from you is how your ability to ramble on about shit is eating my life very slowly. But you are Now ready to withdraw the money, but due to the nature of lying, the payment can only be made into a foreign Account and it has to be applied by a foreign blah blah again. Therefore, I need your assistance fuck up your future financially. Cant you say well fuck that and just steal the money? You shall be compensated with 25% over blah blah Here we go, whip out all calculators and currency converters beyond here! While 10% shall be used for blah blah blah AGAIN! Then the remaining 65% is for me. No, 100% of my money is going to your new yacht, the new masturbation machine, and the cunt simulator you always wanted!!! Your little plan didnt work, so I suggest you fuck off and never see me again!

I wait five minutes and he sends me the same shit again!!! ARRGH!!! You see how brainless this sounds? Here is my way of dealing with these fuckers: Say you accept to help them and they will ramble some more, and ask them to call 1-888-692-7233 and look for Mr. Hugh Jarse! That should piss them off good. WHY? Because they will be pissing off the staff of the New York Terrorist Hotline! NOW THATS FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT!!! I was literally rolling on the floor laughing my beautifully slapped arse cheeks off, when five minutes later he says; oh, you picking combing bastard, may your sons die of extreme ball lightning seizures, fuck you big fool No wait it was more like

O U BASTARD!!!111!1!!!111111 MAY AL UR KIDSDEI OF BRANE DAATH BIGH   FOL BLKAHH

I laughed and replied well fuck you because your nobbing little scam did not work and I will submit this on tangmonkey. Fuck you dickhead!

The scammers e-mail is known as johnkom2004@sify.com do me a favour and piss him off, do it any way you like, but tell me and I will laugh my ass off! But use yahoo mail or hotmail otherwise your computer is gonna fuck. And there is a scam baiting site, which was what I was doing; you can find it here at www.419eater.com

Ta
 


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