What Adam watches on TV.
June 15, 2003

RANT #191: Consumer
Summary: A few dozen 30-second commercials summed up in easy to swollow bite-sized chunks.
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
Full Text:

I have, in the interests of journalism and the untainted truth, decided that I shall do nothing but watch TV in order to bring you back beautiful truths about our species. After all, were defined by what our magic box tells us. You can pin a whole culture down by what it watches on the boob tube. Therefore, I bring you what I have learned on TV.

1. Masseys pizza makes midgets with mental problems bungee jump off of bridges wearing stupid looking boxer shorts and retarded vests.
2. If Im a snowman, I better not watch Charlies Angels: Full Throttle, or, if I do, take a big bucket of Nestea so I can change from a skeleton back into a snowman.
3. Everyone who shops at Autozone suddenly has a 50,000-dollar Honda Civic that looks completely stupid with the big ass tailpipes and strobes in the back.
4. Hulk smash!
5. God loves 1-800-Collect
6. Sprite remix has been to Autozone, but they got an old Chevy that bounces instead of a Civic.
7. Target sells shirts that some guy has worn 2 days in a row, and razors that some guy has used to shave his head.
8. You can throw a Frisbee through a Honda elementand hit some guy in the head with it. Dont buy one though, because itll rain on at least one of the days on your road trip.
9. Roadrunner Business Class apparently automatically makes your business successful
10. Stridex makes you dance like a spastic quadriplegic weasel.
11. Anything that Carrot Top endorses cannot be good.
12. Id say that I learned that only inbreeds watch Professional Wrestling, but we already knew that.
13. Adult swim commercials are the most innovative and intuitive commercials I have yet seen.
14. Frog is really a funny word, when you think about it.
15. Clearasil combs your hair, deepens your complexion, gives you a tan and a blowjob, performs liposuction, instantly makes you richer, and nabs you that dreamy guy youve always wanted. Im sold!
16. If youve taken one specific kind of drug, and developed one certain disease as a result of it, James Sokolove has got your back. For anything else hes useless.
17. Gum makes old people kiss and undress. Im lobbying for the outlawing of manufacturing and consuming gum.
18. I really, really wish I had a big dinosaur suit that I could use to kick someone with.
19. Ive realized that for someone to make a movie like dumb and dumberer, someone has to think the stupidity up. It depresses me that someone could lower themselves to that stupid. It depresses me further to realize that they probably didnt have to lower themselves at all.
20. If youre a waitress, use Clearasil wipes. Itll do your makeup for you so that you can make all the other girls your bitch.
21. The most effective weapons against a demon-possessed suit are spoons and refrigerator doors.
22. Most dads are tards. They like watching dancing fish on the Internet. They also like AOL. Like I said. Tards.
23. Carpathian monks are tards too, because they use AOL. Apparantly, when you take a vow of poverty and silence for God, it excludes the only medium where free porn is the most abundant resource.

Remember, this was all on TV.  All of it must be true.  The TV never lies. . .

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