||March 6, 2003
|RANT #173: Misc.
Summary: A very dull, lengthy rant regarding a former boyfriend, for the sake of getting it off my chest and moving on with my life.
This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
|Why am I so filled with resentment? I'm not sure. It's bothering me a lot. I dislike resenting people... it means that they have control over me, because it means that they can make me feel how they want me to feel. It's pretty annoying.|
I guess if I vent a bit, it might help. Most of my resentment lately is towards Mike. He and I haven't spoken for a while, and I am just feeling the urge to get a lot of shit off of my chest that's been bugging me about him. Maybe it'll make him go away... that'd be nice.
He claims he was a "good boyfriend." Well. This is debateable. If you can claim that you're a good boyfriend to someone when you actually have feelings for someone else, then I want to know your definition of a bad boyfriend. The fact that he went crawling back to her after we broke up is more than proof that he still carried a torch for her for the two years he and I were together.
How else was he a bad boyfriend? Well, during the two years that we were together, I constantly got promises about things being "better." He'd always be busy with work or school or something and would rarely have time to talk to me, or he'd put all his attention into other things he was doing online, so I was often left to fend for myself. It grew very obnoxious to me. I still remember one winter break, I had a week or two off of school and was visiting my dad, who was still at work during the day, leaving me time to be online with Mike. Well, whenever Mike was online, he decided he'd RP on a MUD we both played with the girl he still liked instead of talk to me or (gasp) RP with me. How nice for him. Needless to say, most of that break was spent with me wishing break could be over so that I could spend more time with Mike, since he was so occupied with other things that he didn't have much time to spend with me. It was an interesting cycle... during school, I always looked forward to break to spend more time with Mike, and during break, I looked forward to school so he'd stop being so busy and would spend time with me. Amusing, anyone?
What else? I kept wondering why I'd come home and Mike would say "Oh, I've been playing SC for an hour" or "I've been goofing off for an hour" or something along those lines(IE, he wasn't being productive) and the minute I got home, he'd start doing his homework and thus wouldn't have time for me. How obnoxious was that. It's like he distracted himself from doing his homework right up until the point when I got there, then he had the perfect excuse to avoid me the whole night before he finally typed "good night" and left.
Don't get me started on the very beginning of our relationship. I still remember one night he came home really angry, and I tried to talk to him, and his response was "fuck. missing Friends." and then he put up an away message and left. This was after he supposedly decided he had feelings for me. Ugh. How shitty was that. The same thing occurred over and over again... I'd be emotionally open to him, and he'd just kind of ignore me. He saved the lengthy, heart-felt discussions for "the other woman". Why couldn't I see the warning flags? Gruh. Hind sight is 20/20.
And then there was the whole thing with role playing. Now... this may not seem like such a big deal, but it was something he and I did together just to pass the time and a hobby we both shared and enjoyed doing. "The other woman" and Mike had a long history of having relationships with each other in ES as their various characters. When they went their separate ways (supposedly), he claimed to have broken them off. But he still refused to have relationships with most of my characters... I know, kind of petty to think about, but still. Occasionally, he would. But it wouldn't last. And he'd find excuses to avoid further relationships. "I just don't want so-and-so in a relationship right now." I was his girlfriend, for goodness sakes. Like it's such a big deal to RP a little romance sometimes when you don't get to see your significant other very often. Yet whenever he wanted a relationship with a character of mine, I was expected to shift everything and obey. I once raised this concern with him after he nagged me about having a relationship with my character and someone else's. He just said "I don't remember being that callous." HAH!
Then there's the whole always being depressed thing whenever I talked to him. I wanted to help him and make him feel better because he constantly demonstrated to me that he was depressed or upset about stuff. He just said there was nothing I could do to help. Well gee thanks. That makes me feel like a wonderful girlfriend. I honestly had no idea what to do... I couldn't talk to him, because he'd just say depressed stuff about how... depressed he was. I couldn't cheer him up because it "didn't work." So... what was I supposed to do? I dunno. I should've just left and let him wallow until he figured out he was being an ass and totally putting me off. Or maybe he wanted it that way. I dunno.
Then there was college. When I went to college, I mean. When he went to college, nothing changed. When I went to college, suddenly I had more friends. I did stuff. I wasn't on the computer all the time. This drove Mike NUTS. He really took my presence for granted before... he assumed I'd always be there. Well, I wasn't. I had other friends, I was doing things with other people, I wasn't cooped up all of the time waiting for him to talk to me. Wow did he get pissy. He guilt tripped me ALL the fucking time. He'd say how I was never around anymore for him to talk to, how I was always too busy for him... WHENEVER I talked to him, he'd be pissed off or angry or depressed. I hated talking to him. I'd have a busy day and I'd want to come home to my dorm and talk to my boyfriend, and all he had to say was how crappy he was feeling and how I was neglecting him. He made it pretty damn clear to me that he didn't like me having outside friends or anything. That was the end of it... I got sick of feeling guilty for having an actual life. A life that I was really proud of. I wasn't doing half-bad at college... people liked me, I had a group to hang out with and everything. All Mike wanted to do was rain on my parade. Misery loves company... I would come home, very excited and happy about my day and my classes, and he'd do everything he could to bring me down. I still remember logging on and saying "Heya! How are you?" "Crappy." All the time. It made me ill... it really did.
And now recently. After the break-up... he always tried to make me feel shitty. I tried to show him that I was still there for him as a friend. Friends share things about their lives with one another.. he didn't want to hear about mine. He wasn't particularly happy for me in any respect. I had a new boyfriend... great, he was replaced. I hung out with my friends.. great, I wasn't hanging out on the computer anymore. I was on Student Senate... great, something else to occupy my time. He just kept telling me what kind of a bad person I was for breaking up with him, how I made him feel, etc. I got kinda sick of it. Stopped talking to him. Came back to see if he was feeling any better... nope. Drifted in and out of touch. Then I broke up with Brad. Suddenly, Mike can be happy again. I guess I fell into it. I shouldn't've re-established contact. Even though I made no promises... he still got mad at me when I decided I was healthy enough to move on. I wanted to be friends with him. But if I got busy and couldn't be around for a week, suddenly I'm a bad friend. I emailed him when I couldn't be around, I let him know my journal was updated... it wasn't enough. If I was busy, it meant that I couldn't be friends with him. Then he deserted me. I was at a really, really low point. I felt guilty because of the circumstances under which my current boyfriend and I came together... I felt like maybe I could turn to Mike as a friend and he could help me. Instead, he just talked about how shitty I was as a friend and said stuff that had nothing to do with my problem that generally critisized me and the kind of person I was. "You like everybody to like you." WTF? Where did THAT come from? I'm rarely "liked" by "everybody." My love life story is pretty pathetic, actually. Mostly online boyfriends(sure, I met them in RL a few times, but still, it originated online) until 2nd year of college. "Don't leave your friends and then come back expecting them to take you back." Well, hullo, isn't that what friends should do? If Carol got busy with rehearsal for a few weeks and then after the show came over to hang out after we hadn't talked for a while, I'd serve her popcorn and ice cream and we could watch chick flicks together and talk about how the show went. Being apart for a time doesn't mean you desert each other, it just means you had other stuff to do at the time and now you can be together again. Mike has his priorities screwed up a LOT. Frankly... he titles himself noble. But he just wants people to live by his standards and not their own. He's emotionally needy and attention-starved and thinks people should do things HIS way, to make HIM happy. Being a friend cuts both ways... sometimes it hurts to give back to them, and sometimes you hurt them when you need them to give to you. I tried to be a friend to him after he and I broke up, even though he constantly berated me and treated me like crap. That hurt me a lot... but I still tried. I guess only I'm allowed to hurt without guilt-tripping anyone about it. If he hurts me, it doesn't count. But that's what friendship is about... giving. I guess he just someday needs to understand that. Until then... he's a leech.
Add a comment to this rant: