Ten things to remember when you start your acting career
December 6, 2002

RANT #157: Arts & Entertainment
Zillno
 
Summary: Important things to know
 
Full Text:

 
Here are a few things to remember if you happen to land a small part as a straight, white male in a San Francisco little theater production that revolves around a lesbian romance.

1. The actress is a lesbian. When you're called to smother her with kisses (which causes her to pull away in disgust), don't worry about any weird sexual undertones. She's a LESBIAN. For her, it's like someone is pressing red meat on her flesh when you kiss her.

2. No matter how good your Charles Nelson Reilly imitation is, don't use it. Leave that to the gay men in the cast. It will *not* be appreciated.

3. The butch dyke looks pretty scary, but don't worry about it. She won't hurt you. She's actually pretty cool.

4. When everyone gets naked in the changing room at the beginning or end of the play, think about dead puppies, nuns, or just look at the ceiling. Do NOT look at the salsa dancer.

5. Make goddamned sure you can actually walk in three inch heels before you volunteer for a part that calls for you to appear in drag.

6. The rest of the actors are professionals. Suppress the urge to giggle every time the leading actresses kiss or grope.

7. When a bottle of champagne is passed around on opening night, do NOT pretend to give it oral sex.

8. In your audition, grabbing your crotch at random intervals and screaming "STELLA! STELLA!" is not going to further any hilarity or do anything to ensure the producer that you're right for the part. It's just not gonna' happen.

9. The best way to take on the role of a gay bartender is to NOT act gay. You have it in you, you know. You don't have to work at it. And, the earring really does all of the work for you.

10. When the other actors tell you to empty the vodka bottle of alcohol and fill it with water, they do NOT mean to drink the vodka, then urinate in the bottle.

11. "Fluffer" is not a crew member who plumps pillows. :-(

Good luck, break a leg, and remember: The worst possible thing you could do is embarrass yourself in such a way that it spawns a new play, specifically about what an idiot you really are.
 


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