Gay People vs. Religious Fundamentalists
December 4, 2002

RANT #155: Society & Politics
Summary: Which should I be?
Full Text:

I'm trying to decide whether I should be gay, or if I should become a religious fundamentalist. Some people have successfully navigated the treacherous waters of being both, but I don't think I'm that smart. So, I've decided to weigh the benefits and demerits.

1. Some religious people wear funny hats. Gay people have no formal or official uniform. WINNER: RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS.

2. Religious people talk about love. Gay people talk about love. Some religious people blow up cars, molest children, and shoot people in and around abortion clinics as a means of expressing their love. Gay people express their love by having consensual sex. With each other. I'm with the gay people on this one. WINNER: GAY PEOPLE.

3. Religious people care about me. Gay people care about me. Religious people express their caring for me by giving me pamphlets and asking for money. Gay people express their caring for me by offering to dress me in fishnets and makeup. I'm torn on this one. WINNER: TIE.

4. Gay people have cool nightclubs that have great music where people dance. Religious people have big houses where people come and sometimes handle snakes, drink what they say is blood, or speak in languages I don't understand. WINNER: GAY PEOPLE.

5. Some fundamentalists have funny TV programs where they hit people in the head in order to heal them. Sometimes they kneel and cry, and this is quite entertaining to me. As far as I can tell, gay people have nothing like this. WINNER: RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS.

6. Religious people have Jimmy Swaggert. Gay people have Liberace. No contest. WINNER: GAY PEOPLE.

7. Once, a religious person told me that if I did not believe what she believed, I would spend the rest of eternity suffering the most horrible of tortures. Once, a gay person told me I had a cute butt. WINNER: GAY PEOPLE.


Religious fundamentalism: 2
Ties: 1
Gay people: 4

The only thing that causes me to continue to deliberate is that gay people don't have a good dental plan.

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