November 16, 2002

RANT #149: Misc.
Summary: Why can't it stay where it should?
Full Text:

All right, water. I know you've been battered and abused, poisoned and infected, and all this while you've attempted so innocently to pursue the everyday schedules you've followed so long (liquid, vapour, clouds, rain, reservoirs, ocean, dolphin snot, or something.) But just because you've experienced such a personal violation at the hands of capital M Man is no reason why you should lash out at me, Rosemary K. Hessel, individually. I recycle; I use those super-saver showerheads; I don't litter; I'm a good girl. This morning, however, you deemed it necessary for the ecological safety of mother Earth and all her creatures that you leak into my bedroom.

You used the most crafty of spy techniques. You eased your way in one quiet drip at a time, evenly spaced. Yet one drip after another, straight onto my CD player, was enough to cause irrevocable havoc.

I awoke at about nine in the morning to the sound of a powerful, rhythmic thumping. I sat up in bed and peered down my room. This was when I beheld your horrible creation: THE DEMON CD PLAYER FROM HELL. Both the on and off lights were on. A low hum was emanating from the player, overlaid by a dark knocking like Nixon at the gates of Hell. Stupidly, I took instant action, leaping from my bed, executing a perfect ground roll, and pouncing on the cursed player, disconnecting it. Fortunately I wasn't zapped to heck.

Unfortunately, you had also soaked a library book, one Conquest of Ainu Lands: Ecology and Culture in Japanese Expansion, 1590-1800. It Will Not Be Forgotten.

(Damn you, water. If only you weren't so tasty and necessary. If only you hadn't infultrated every cranny of my body. I'm sure you're watching me. The battle isn't over. I'm going to go dump some effluent into a local river system. You've been warned.)

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