Apologies to the PrIme Minister of Lithuania
November 12, 2002

RANT #135: Apologies
Sailing the Seas of CHEESE!
Summary: I feel at this time it is appropriate to issue an apology to my friend, the Prime Minister of Lithuania, on an injustice done to him as his "Spiritual/Political Advisor"
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
Full Text:

Mister Prime Minister, I figure any half-decent man would visit this great website on a bi-weekly basis, so I will issue my apology to you in rant-form.  As for reasoning for my actions; I believe it happened after watching an all-day "M.A.S.H." marathon.
First off, it is fairly taboo to go out and scream "LOOK AT ME BILLY! I'M A GOAT RAPER!" every morning.  I'm sorry in leading you to believe this is a habit of religious signifigance.
Second, it is NOT a good idea, nor will it ever be, to bring the "Holy Lama of Virtue" into your sex life.  This Lama was by no means ceremoniously clean, and probably had some STD that only Lamas get.  But on a lighter note, the videos sold fairly well.
Third, you should never address political ambassadors as "Homies" nor is ebonics the prefered language of Zimbabwe.
Fourth, killing your cabinet and only listening to me didn't really "cleanse your soul" it probably made it dirtier.
Fifth, You needn't call me "Most Holy, Most Wise" any more, Bill will be just fine, as I am not REALLY the messenger of all religions.
Sixth, You can fill up the "giant pit of redemption" I'm fairly positive that filling it with bodies was not really the way to get to the promised land.
Seventh, Lithuania isn't the "god's favored land" so you can take back those expeltives you shouted at the international peace summit.
Eighth, Having people who don't worship me impaled, beheaded, eletrocuted, disemboweled, and lethaly injected is wrong. Forget what I said, as I was probably drunk.
Ninth, The next time you go to Camp David, do not t.p. the cabin of the South American leaders, do not shampoo the doorknobs of the Oceania cabin, and don't even think about prank calling pizza to their house.
And Finally, although I hate to admit it, Lithuania is NOT a world superpower, and you had no right to take a pee on the prime minister of Malaysia in the showers after the "world leader charity basketball tournament".
I hope you realize that all I said was meant as playful gesture, and not to be taken so seriously.  As I am not sure of your current mental state after my unexpected departure, my location shall remain undisclosed for the time being.
     One thousand apologies, and all love,

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