I HATE tangmonkey!
November 26, 2000

RANT #1: Tangmonkey Sucks
Donny Cougar
Summary: Take this Tangmonkey! YOU SUCK!
Full Text:

Oh my god, TANGMONKEY.COM sucks! Who do they think they are!? Some funny little bunch of idiots? They're probably just a bunch of stupid high school students with too much time on their hands. Tangmonkeys don't even exist. I asked the librarian and she said they didn't. What does "tangmonkey mean"? Probably just "a monkey made out of kool-aid." Heheheh. I mean honestly, real Evil Media Empires don't just announce that they're evil. That's dumb. I mean do you see Microsoft talking about a shadow conspiracy on their website? Of course not. They have press conferences. I bet tangsucky.com never had a press conference. I bet they can't even eat solid foods! Besides, if the Tangmonkey Group WAS in charge of everything, wouldn't we have HEARD of some of the members? I did hear about Baron Valentiate on Entertainment Tonight, but I bet Sir Gareth Auden-Hole isn't even a real knight. I mean, why would a knight be a yes-man? And what's with that orange colour they use everywhere? Do these morons think that orange is cool or something? Are they trying to impress us by using orange? "Hey, look, we used orange! Aren't we cool!" No, you're not. You SUCK!! And did you notice that all of their graphics are some crappy low quality that have been resized so they're all dotty and pixelly and crap? And what's that thing in their logo supposed to be? A tangmonkey? Tangmonkeys don't look anything like that. They are way better. And did you see their webcam? Oh, wait, I mean - sorry - their "tangmonkey cam". Big joke, huh? They substituted "web" for "tangmonkey". Real original, guys. Like no one's ever done that before! I bet a zillion people did. Anyway, the tangmonkey on the webcam never moves. Some pet store owner probably had this monkey in a coma and he ripped off the tangmonkey guys when he sold it to them. So now it just sits there and is never funny. The Tangmonkey Group got completely ripped up. Take that, tangmonkey DOPES! I hope you buy a zillion monkeys and they're all perpetually unconscious! Maybe then you'll understand how much your STUPID SITE SUCKS! I watched the monkey for like 8 hours and it didn't move once. I bet the Tangmonkey Group didn't notice cause they're too dumb. And did you see that jamcracker dance? They expect people to watch that a lot? They're just PICTURES and STUPID MUSIC. It's moronic. And those guys should stop laughing and joking about ball lightning. Ball lightning's serious. Did you see those scientific reports? People DIE. I think my aunt died of ball lightning or cancer or something. It's no joke, and the big "super comedians" who run MORONmonkey.com should stop making such a big ball of fun out of it, or they'll get in trouble. Someone'll kick their ass if they make fun of people who died from ball lightning. Or maybe Paul Anka or someone'll sue them.

Yeah, so TANGDUMMY.COM sucks! Visit it and see how sucky it is. It's so sucky, I can't even explain it. I've been on every single page of the site, and they're all sucky. Except for the page about "Groove Monkey". They ROCK! They are SO gonna win a grammy this year.


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