About the Author

Column Archive

Pollution is Your Friend
7.23.2001 by Professor Particle

Why can't people see that Dubya is a visionary and a hero? He was courageous enough to stand up to peer pressure in Kyoto. "C'mon, George. All the other countries want to reduce greenhouse gas emissions." Well, his stamina couldn't hold out forever, and he was forced to make concessions in Bonn after a bunch of EU goons gave him a wedgie.

Don't cry for President Bush. You should be crying for yourself. If only he were able to hold on tighter to his convictions (and his underwear), we would be looking a much brighter future. The world used to be a greener, fresher place. That's the past. The future demands air pollution.

Let's look, for a moment, into the Dubyutopia that could have been...

The year is 2020. It's a bright day for humanity, or at least it would be if it weren't for the protective veil of tar covering the earth. In an ironic twist, this floating bastion of pollution has actually reduced the threat of skin cancer down to almost nil by blocking out the Sun entirely. People come out on the 23rd of each month to burn tires in celebration.

Just ten years earlier, the polar ice caps melted, solving two problems at once:
1) The Earth now has more than enough drinkable water again. Take that, doomsday prophets!
2) The evil terrorist threat in Venice and various small islands has been completely washed away. I always knew those gondola-riding fiends were up to no good.

War has been completely obliterated. Since people were too busy trying to keep from choking to death on noxious fumes, they didn't have time to kill each other. Even now that an air-filtration system has been set-up, nobody even has the energy to pull a trigger anymore.

And those filtration systems didn't make themselves. A vibrant new industry sprung up almost overnight: stylish and personalized gas masks. World unemployment is at an all-time low of 0% since those who couldn't afford the luxurious new masks are dead. Think of it as evolution's little helping hand.

You and I can be foot soldiers for Dubya's dream. Just pick up an aerosol can, light a barrel of oil on fire, and maybe together we can win back a future that we all deserve.

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page