On My Side (Yes It Is) (guest story by Snowmit)
1.21.2003 by , every Tuesday.
Hello. Snowmit is contributing again. Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is staying warm.
Also, the zine/book thing is progressing. Maybe I'll tell you the story soon.
Also, I am very excited because soon I am going on a Road Trip to California, which I found out is pretty inexpensive. Here is the exact place I will be. Everyone should join me, and we can all make faces into the webcam until we fall down a nearby cliff.
So anyway, I invented a time machine. Turns out that it's really easy.
What happened was that last week a few friends and I were talking about time travel. We were kind of drunk and I came up with this brilliant system for inventing a time machine (you can try this at home).
How it works:
1) decide to devote your life to attempting to invent a time machine.
3) travel back in time and give yourself instructions on how to build a time machine.
4) your past self will then have access to a time machine which means that you will have always had access to a time machine. You don't need to devote your life to inventing one because you already know how.
Confused? Then imagine how I felt when, after a few days, I showed up and handed myself keys to a time machine. Apparently, I'd taken myself seriously and spent a lifetime of laborious research and development. This devotion came at the cost of my dignity, the respect of my colleagues and my personal life. Yada, yada. Apparently, inventing a time machine turns you into a whiny bitch.
I thanked myself and gave me a nice bath to calm my nerves and went on my merry time travelling way. To you, this may seem like an unfair trade; he gets a bath, I get a time machine. But he really wanted that bath.
What have I been up to since?
For awhile, it was simple stuff like always being able to see my favorite shows and being able to amicably resolve any scheduling conflicts that came up. In the end, I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to time machine operation than being able to watch the entire run of The Muppet Show.
The first thing I tried was changing the course of history by saving people's lives. This didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. For instance, it turns out that upon discovering a random person sitting in the Oval Office, the President of the United States' first reaction isn't to cancel his scheduled trip to Dallas. Instead, it involves a lot of shouting and gun pointing. Of course, neither Antony nor Cleopatra could understand a word I said. My best "success" was convincing Abraham Lincoln not to go to Mr Hampstead's garden party, thus saving him from being trampled by runaway horses. He decided to catch a play instead. Don't get me started about what a mistake it was to drag Mr Stalin out of that burning house.
That pretty much took care of my desire to do good deeds. Who can fight fate? I decided to become a time tourist.
I've always been a big fan of the Bible, so I went back to the time of Noah. It didn't look like the flood was going to happen after all, so I did a little to help it. See, there's no way that you can flood the world, there just isn't enough water here. But say you were to go back in time and import some water... God works in mysterious ways.
Which got me to thinking that maybe I could finally do something about the global warming issue. So I've been bringing warm things back in time and cool things forwards. It's kind of like air conditioning, but with a time machine.
I hope it's enough.