February 13, 2004

RANT #224: Arts & Entertainment
Summary: Alwight boyz listen up, Ooh i got raped! THIS SHIT HAS TOO STOP! BOOM
Questionable Content This rant contains profanity or other offensive material.
Full Text:

So, I’m sitting here on the shit pan wiping my arse with bible papers (Because that’s what I use when I run out of toilet paper) and my bro, being the fuckhead he is, bursts in and exclaims rather fucking loudly: “Dude, you have got to watch soaps, this shit is awesome.” You know, the soppy shit that people used to watch and supposedly it’s now even better.

I can’t walk out of the door without having listen to at least 2 guys go on about how Barry the bastard was got fucked up after the death of his dad” and “Larry the loser’s girlfriend dumped him quicker than a jar of mayonnaise with a condom at the bottom.” America is different, because you have Will and Grace, and John Doe and other gems, and we have soppy crap all night. Not that I just suddenly started to hate everyone for watching soaps, I still like you, but when I mention that “I personally don’t like soap operas” somebody will pop their head up from the nearest ROCK! And they say:

“But have you seen it lately? I mean it’s not like The Bill anymore!”

And apparently, people are masturbating to this shit. I thought, “WHOA, Now this must be some nifty shit! If Joanne had as many orgasms in the jungle as people are attracted to soaps, then this must be cool!” So I sit down and watched some soap, which is not that hard, because every channel plays soaps anyway, 654 trillion channels in the entire free universe and they all show at least two forms of soap. So I pick a channel and watch it. With my dick in my hand ready to jerk away at the happy oblivion, because I was told it was that amazing! And I watched 20 minutes of it and…

“HEY, GUESS WHAT? It’s the same pre-orgasmic melodramatic crap it always was!” This shit isn’t ever going to get better as long as the BBC has complete regime of all the high-quality new shows and show us all the shitty repeats. About the only thing that is new to this retarded system of broken promises is their devotion to shitty unrealistic melodramatic shit that they like to call skilled drama! And if I do masturbate to this shit, my dick will never respect me again. And everyone floods in to the TV room and they’re all like

“OOH, you’re watching Eastenders, this is the greatest show in all fucking existence!” I don’t get it! What am I missing out on, oh I know what it is, if you aren’t able to weep like a lobotomized freak show, or you don’t know who the next actor of a crappy soap opera to be dumped is simply by looking at the spark in his quivering eyelid, you aren’t good enough. Okay, lets do it like this…

“Everyone in Eastenders will rape each other, finger each other and finally batter in each other’s skulls to a fine amoeba when simply when they feel like it” Right, because you have to base each fucking episode over blunt murders, rape and prostitution. Am I getting warmer to making the next retarded eye quiver? And haven’t you all noticed, that whenever you watch Coronation Street and the like, there is never a straight life, there is never a good job, and there is no hell on earth that there’s ever going to be a fucking normal day. It’s as though as if the last day has arrived and everyone want’s to figure out how to be as retarded as possible before they’re going to be splattered by a big flaming meteor!

Okay, so some soaps do have murders in. Yes, I do like fake violence and it saves me from going balls to the walls in Africa and feeding the government their teeth! And I might be a little twisted here, but I like my murders to look GOOD! I’m not going to sit here and watch drunken Elmo’s stab and fart at each other, I like to see Neo fuck up agents with his brain in the most violent mind-blowing possible fucking way. If I wanted to watch people screw each other senseless then I would have hired a porn! I don’t pay £5 per month to the TV licensing dudes in London to watch the dribble you make people watch in the rather wasteful space of an hour. Make a normal day where people don’t screw each other for once, it would save a lot of us from having to morons who’s sole purpose in like is to waste one hour of their life and turn it into quivering garbage.

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