About A Girl
February 8, 2003

RANT #172: Misc.
Doctor Furious
Summary: Or, "Why I Am A Stupid Idiot."
Full Text:

My brain never listens.

Oh, I try to tell it best; "I'm not going to beat that train," I say.  "Or that many jalapenos will instantly vaporize my stomach lining," and "My PC works fine, I don't need a USB keyboard," but it never listens.

And then there's the granddaddy of them all, the killer: "I can't fall for that girl.  She will never, *EVER* love me back the way I want, the way I need her to.  I should just walk away before I let that happen."

I'd wager that at least most of the guys here know what happened next.

My idiot brain goes and falls for her.

It doesn't even have the decency to tell me this.  It hides the emotions from me.  It's little things at first: feeling down when she's not around.  Thinking of her at odd times.  Finding myself strangely resentful that I'm in her "friend zone."

Then, suddenly, it happens.  She starts dating this guy.  And my heart just drops, and she tells me how great and successful and wonderful he is, and I know utter despair.  For not only is she now involved, but the the little illusion I built for myself is shattered and I know that I never, never had a chance.  I would never be good enough for her, could never give her what she needs the way that Mr. Wonderful can.  Just as I always knew it would be.

And I'm left empty and alone and hurting, exactly the way I told myself I'd be.  And I watch her walk away, because I love her and can see it's all ultimately for the best.

For her, anyway.  And that's all I really care about, for some idiot reason.

And then I go home and sit, alone, with my blind idiot brain.

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