Early October 1999

Well, the new fall TV season is upon us, and the discerning viewer has some serious choices to make. For example, does one spend Sunday evening watching The X-Files continue its spiraling descent into slapstick comedy and crack-eyed conspiracy theory, or go against the grain and catch David E. Kelly's new delightfully quirky (read: schizophrenic) private eye show Snoops? Do we cheer on Dougie Howser's desperate attempts to revive his ailing career on Stark Raving Mad, or watch Jay Mohr cuss like a longshoreman with Turret's on Fox's new Action? The following is a concise, day by day listing of what's new in the new season, as well as a recap of some of the more popular returning shows, intended to aid our readers in planning their TV schedule. However, keep in mind that I'm horribly horribly lazy, and I tend to lie on occasion and give opinions on stuff I haven't actually bothered to see, so it's important to keep that in mind. Submitted for your approval, the new fall TV schedule:   Monday       That 70's Show (Global, FOX 8:00)       Dawson's Creek (Global 9:00)       V.I.P. (CITY-TV 8:00)       Party of Five (Global 10:00)       Ally McBeal (FOX, Global 9:00)   Tuesday       Buffy the Vampire Slayer (CJOH 8:00)       Angel (CJOH 9:00)       Relic Hunter (CITY-TV 8:00)       Ally (CJOH, FOX 8:00)   Wednesday       Xena: Warrior Princess (CJOH 8:00)       The West Wing (NBC 9:00)       Norm (NBC 9:00)   Thurday       Action (FOX 9:00)       Stark Raving Mad (Global 9:30)       WasteLand (ABC 9:00)   Friday       Harsh Realm (Global, FOX 9:00)   Saturday       Freaks and Geeks (NBC 8:00)   Sunday       The X-Files (Global, FOX 9:00)       Snoops (ABC 9:00)   Monday   That 70's Show (Global, FOX 8:00)   Oh, I get it. They're from the 70's so they're wearing funny clothes. The pinnacle of sophisticated comedy.   Dawson's Creek (Global 9:00)   Now that we're nearing Halloween time, it's becoming increasingly evident that Dawson's head is roughly the size of a fairly large pumpkin. Maybe that's why he talks like a university student.   V.I.P. (CITY-TV 8:00)   Pamela Lee is two of the best reasons to watch this show. Baywatch with less plot.   Party of Five (Global 10:00)   Quit whining. All of you.   Ally McBeal (FOX, Global 9:00)   See 'Party of Five'     Tuesday   Buffy the Vampire Slayer (CJOH 8:00)   Tightly written story lines, cool monsters, and cutting edge teen humor. Also every once in a while you can see Buffy's bra.   Angel (CJOH 9:00)   Same as above, except without Buffy's bra. I think I'll pass.     Relic Hunter (CITY-TV 8:00)   Remember when Tia Carrere had a career? Neither do I. Here she plays Lara Croft from the hit video game Tomb Raid- oh wait. It's somehow not related to Tomb Raider. I see.     Ally (CJOH, FOX 8:00)   An extra half hour of Calista Flockhart starving to death before our very eyes. Where do I sign up?       Wednesday   Xena: Warrior Princess (CJOH 8:00)   One's a blond hippie, the other's a raven-haired ass-kicking machine. They're the original odd couple!     The West Wing (NBC 9:00)   Taut political satire starring Rob Lowe (see Tia Carrere comment) and Martin Sheen. Too good to earn a smarmy comment from me.     Norm (NBC 9:00)   Ever noticed how at least two-thirds of Norm Macdonald's jokes contain the phrase 'crack-whore'? Now that's comedy!       Thursday   Action (FOX 9:00)   Jay Mohr takes on the Hollywood establishment, possibly as revenge for making him star in Paulie, the talking parrot movie.     Stark Raving Mad (Global 9:30)   Dougie Howser and the cab driver from Wings, together at last!     WasteLand (ABC 9:00)   Reality Bites except with more moping.       Friday   Harsh Realm(Global, FOX 9:00)   Tron: The Series       Saturday   Freaks and Geeks (NBC 8:00)   That 80's Show. The lead is a young Janeane Garofalo, so it's OK in my book.       Sunday   The X-Files (Global, FOX 9:00)   I don't know what the hell's going on with this show anymore, and I don't wanna know. As far as I'm concerned, it died as soon as they starting blaming alien invasions on bumblebees.     Snoops (ABC 9:00)   David E. Kelly, who annoyed the hell out of us with Ally McBeal and Picket Fences, proves once again that he's the master of 'quirky', which essentially means that all his characters are clinically insane. On the plus side, it's got Gina Gershon, who was last seen making it with Jennifer Tilly in Bound. Mmm, lesbiany goodness.   So there you have it folks, a quick reminder of what to check out, and what to avoid like an amorous leper on Viagra. This is by no means a complete list, in face it's probably not even a correct list. But I hope it was helpful, informative, and most of all as insulting as possible to the TV shows you know and love. If I can help one person successfully plan an evening's TV viewing free from Beverly Hills 90210 and reruns of Family Matters, then I will have saved one soul from eternal damnation, and I can die a happy man. Now if you'll excuse me, VIP is on.