Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

May 2001

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In this issue:    Suicide Sandler!     Coping With Satanism!     Doin' it Crankenstyle!     PLUS: Hippie Holocaust!, And a castration-free CULT PICK!.
Down with Hippies - Up with Evil

I'm the first to admit that I am more often than not known to lean more in the favour towards the Dark Side. I am often filled with hate towards many of my fellow members of society. I care much more about the death of Joey Ramone than any of Greenpeace's pot induced ramblings. I like McDonald's more than PETA. Probably at the peak of my controversial thoughts are them there dolphins. Dolphins piss me off. If they're so smart why do they keep on getting caught in fishermen's nets? Answer me that Mr. smart guy. But, at the top of my venomous list would have to be dirty hippies protesting things. I'm sure that lots of fine people have protested on behalf of lots of worthy causes. I don't have a beef with those folks. Just the dirty hippies.

So, as you can imagine, when pondering my hatred of all of you, the recent events that went down in Quebec come to mind. Especially considering that PULP's top secret underground headquarters are located in this fine lil' Canadian province.

I was watching Letterman about a week or so ago. During a commercial break I was flipping around many of the fine television stations that the fates provide, & lo & behold what wonders did CNN showcase! A batch of gas-mask faced, "Cat in the Hat" hat wearing, bongo drum playing protesting chumps being bombarded with tear gas & blasted with high power firefighter's hoses.

Man oh man. I was filled with a swell of joy like a kid on Christmas morn. Pointing & laughing at the misfortune of others is considered wrong by some uppity ups. They might consider it petty or rude or inconsiderate. Well, politically correctness be damned. Not since my last pro-carnivore argument that upset a vegetarian had I been filled with such glee. Now, this lil' op-ed piece that I'm typing away at isn't exactly "researched" per say. It's more leaning towards drunken ramblings (except I don't drink...but whatever). I'm not even 100% sure what them crazy kids were all upset about. Something about giant evil global companies like Microsoft & Virgin ruining the world or some such nonsense. Now, sure we all know the giant evil global companies are evil (hence the name). I'll give 'em that. But guess what, pulling down fences, chanting "Kumbayah", bashing news vehicles & stealing TV's (I'm not sure if there was any looting...but I'm leaping to the conclusion that there was some since there usually is in these wacky situations), ain't gonna' change a damn thing. What were they going to do on the other side of the fence? Were they expecting the world's leaders to surrender or something? Do you think that George W.'s going to look over the rioting crowds & suddenly realize the wrongness of his ways? Think he's going to stop closing schools & change his stance on destroying Alaska thanks to the mad chants of the smelly huddled masses? Nope. He ain't going to change a thing. He probably didn't even know the protesters were out there. He free time was likely preoccupied with Dukes of Hazard reruns. Those fancy hotels come with full cable you know. Think Nike's going to stop paying Tiger Woods millions & the people putting together their product in sweatshops 16 cents an hour? Nope. You know what those people in Quebec changed? You know what they've done to better humankind & this lil' planet we call earth. Not a damn thing. Sure, not the nicest of sentiments, but a true one. They didn't accomplish anything. And I bet that maybe, MAYBE 1 out of 100 of them actually really cared anyhow. Most were probably just there to break stuff.

Now, I love fighting the power as much as the next guy. But just think things through. I mean, there's nothing funnier than seeing a hippie being interviewed on the national news. When asked to explain the situation they can barely string two coherent sentences together. And having their moronic fellow soldiers jumping about in the background like a bunch of fans from an XFL game doesn't help any either. If they don't know what they're there for, how do they expect us actual productive members of society to give a damn. It falls under the same category as the guy in the grungy wardrobe with the giant green mohawk & 25 face piercings complaining that he can't get a job. Well duh! See; until these hippies can put together a meaningful front, evil has nothing to worry about.

What they need is a Ric Mercer or Michael Moore. With their respective TV shows, these two guys have raged against more machines & brought light to more meaningful bits of current events than all those twerps in Quebec combined. But instead of concentrating on intelligence, protesters seem more concerned with coming up with a catchy swear-word-laden chant. Here's a tip: When there's a big Orwellian police force brandishing shields & weapons... don't run tauntingly towards them. Until they learn basic survival instincts like this one, I think that the world is safe from the forces of good for the time being. Kudos to Quebec for showing the world that Canada ain't a bunch of pushovers. We can fight for the forces of evil with the best of 'em.

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