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September 1999

In this issue:    Kevin Constner Vs. The Evil Dead!    Jesus kicks some serious ass in The Matrix!    Eyes Wide Shut: Hit or Miss?    PLUS: Ricky Martin: Rocket Scientist, and a Summer Movie Recap.
 
SUMMER MOVIE MANIA
Eeyore

 
Well, kids, summer's over, and you know what that means. Yes, an end to whiling away hours frolicking in the countryside and basking in the warm rays of the sun, or, if you're like me, an end to people telling you to get the hell off the couch and leave the house for a change. The inevitable coming of autumn also signals an end to the tiresome tedium of network TV reruns, as well as a much-needed break from the endless hyping of the latest Hollywood summer blockbuster, and, most importantly of all, an end to those damn Capri pants everyone's been wearing for the last five months. Damn it people, you look like football players. Anyway, if you're a normal person like me, then you probably spent your valuable summer months enjoying the relaxing air conditioning and soothing darkness of your local movie theatre. If, however, you are one of those underprivileged few who wasted their time at cottages or at various other 'out-door' activities, you missed out on one hell of a summer, and you have only yourselves to blame. I pity you. And it is for your benefit, dear reader, that I have compiled this handy list of some of the best and worst of the summer. I have award each film a rating, from one to five stars, five being amazing and one being about as enjoyable as cancer. I was originally going to use dead cats instead of stars as a rating system, but I couldn't find the right graphic, and my scanner isn't working too well right now. So, here we go: the best and worst of summer 99:
 
The Blair Witch Project *****
The 13th Warrior *
Deep Blue Sea ***1/2
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace *****
The Astronaut's Wife **
The Sixth Sense *****
Mystery Men *****

 
The Blair Witch Project *****

 
Fine, fine, so it's not that scary, and it's more than a little derivative of Cannibal Holocaust, but it was worth my eight bucks just to see someone puking in their popcorn bag.

 
The 13th Warrior *

 
Antonio Banderas must be stopped. Now.

 
Deep Blue Sea ***1/2

 
Although a rabid monkey with a typewriter could have written a better script, those were some pretty cool sharks.

 
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace *****

 
Independent movies my ass, I wanna see some 200 million dollar eye candy.

 
The Astronaut's Wife **

 
Well, I liked Rosemary's Baby when I saw it the first time...

 
Sixth Sense *****

 
Although being able to see dead people is not technically a sixth sense, sight being one of the five, you see, we'll let that slide because it's a pretty cool movie.

 
Mystery Men *****

 
It's nice to see Pee Wee Herman (Wanky to his friends) working again, and Janeane Garofalo is the greatest actress in the world. Ash likes.

 




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